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| Aug 21, 2013
Horoscopes
Rear End
The Saber | Columbus State University
Pre-destined by Elaine Hoffmeister
Libra:I apologize to all Libras out there for constantly being so harsh with my predictions. From here on out everything will be sunshine and rainbows and all of
Cancer:Your lucky color this week is maroon. Maroon is the color of the Latvian flag and the Dalai Lama’s robes, and Ron Weasley’s jumper. Maroon is also the name of that band I particularly don’t care for, so stop blasting their music on the highway please.
your souls will belong to me you pathetic mortals with the lamest zodiac sign of all just look at it it’s literally a couple of plates.
Aries: In college it’s not good enough to ask yourself if the glass is half empty or half full. Better ways to judge your position on optimism are: beer or wine? Dirty shirt or mildly perfumed shirt? Cougar cash or starvation? (For when things are really bleak).
Scorpio: Due to an unlucky influence of star C4-118613 you will be subjected to the most horrible punishment devised by mankind: and agonizingly long wait at the supermarket deli when everyone ahead of you decides that ordering 10 different meats is a great idea.
Taurus: Once upon a time there was a college student who was so cocky that they never studied for any of their exams, never did their homework, and never participated in any extracurricular activities. The moral of the story? These stereotypes are terrible, who comes up with them?
Sagittarius: For instant happy predictions, try the new Horozac! (Warning: use of Horozac may result in vomiting, diarrhea, unusual giddiness, loss of your fourth toe, cravings for liverwurst, quadruple vision, and ear fungus. Please see a doctor if symptoms persist).
Gemini: On a night with a full moon, 40% humidity, and a rare outbreak of Peruvian swamp flies, bathe in the waters of the Chattahoochee with a silver basin and a golden retriever. All of your problems will disappear, provided that you don’t forget the dried salamander.
Capricorn: ??????????????? ???????????????????? ???????????????????? ???????????????????? ????????????????????“ ??????????????????
Aquarius: It seems that you
Leo:Your career has been varied and interesting, to say the least. But as topsyturvy as it’s been, enjoy it because in your next lifetime all Leos are fated to become civil servants in one of the following countries: Djibouti, Transnistria, Lesotho, Kiribati, or Malawi. Good luck! Virgo: Protect yourself from danger by employing various talismans. In your case I recommend 8 healing crystals (don’t forget the amethyst), a lucky pigeon feather (coo coo), and 3 crates of orange soda (yeah, it’s that serious).
are extremely compatible with Sagittarius lately, so don’t let the opportunity slip you by! You could dance on tabletops, take too many shots, go streaking in the park, or skinny-dipping in the dark! But don’t blame me if immediate arrest follows.
Pisces: Your lucky number this
week is googolplex. Googolplex is the dumb name given to the highest number in existence, if you were wondering where the name “Google” came from. It has little practical value in real life, just like that shirt you’re wearing.