very quickly if the chemistry is there and whether or not the other person is for you.”
Valentine’ s Day Rule: Don’ t be put off by an awkward start- some of the best relationships may not appear promising on day one.
The things that attract us to someone initially are often quite superficial and rooted in outdated evolutionary needs. These factors, like physical attraction or the other person’ s income level or job title, do not necessarily- by themselves- bode well for long-term compatibility and loyalty. Furthermore, if we don’ t feel we“ click” with someone immediately, we move on. Understanding whether real compatibility exists requires a deeper knowledge than just one dinner or cup of coffee.
The truth is many great relationships have an awkward start. I wouldn’ t say the sparks flew when my wife and I met for the first time at graduate school- but they did once we became friends and learned more about each other! As you dig deeper and discover things you have in common- a similar upbringing, common likes and dislikes, shared values and beliefs, and so on- you can find that your mutual affection grows. Your compatibility can also grow when you discover that some of the differences which bothered you initially actually make you very complementary.
Have you met someone recently whom you may have misjudged?
Lie No 5:“ Don’ t try and change your partner.”
Valentine’ s Day Rule: To grow and reach their fullest potential, people need both truth and love.
Complete acceptance of another person’ s behavior is not love. It’ s abdication of your responsibility as a loving partner. Interestingly, a new study shows that constantly praising children can actually make them anxious and afraid, not confident! In fact, any parent can tell you that if children have no limits, no constraints, and are constantly told how special they are, they can become spoiled and self-absorbed.
The fact is, two people in a long-term relationship know each other better than anyone else in the world. They are in a unique position to provide the insights and honesty that can help each other become their best selves. Who is actually going to tell you when you’ ve stepped over a line or acted selfishly? Your colleagues at work and your friends won’ t do it. We grow and
Do you really know what’ s on your partner’ s agenda for this year? Have you spent a leisurely evening asking them about their dreams, hopes, and fears? Have you thought about how you can help them accomplish their most important priorities?
mature because we get feedback from the world around us. And when you’ re older, one of the few people who will give you that unvarnished perspective is your spouse or partner.
But … be very careful how you do this. In isolation, constantly making“ suggestions” or criticising the other person doesn’ t cut it. You have to first be seen as the person who utterly believes in them and loves them unconditionally.
Do you sometimes veer too far towards either abject acceptance of or frequent criticism towards those close to you?
Lie No 6:“ If you’ re together with the same person for many years, the big problem you have to overcome is the lack of excitement and variety.”
Valentine’ s Day Rule: A long-term relationship- be it with a spouse, partner, or friend- can continue to grow and engender passion even after decades have passed.
A recent article in a national newspaper bemoaned the difficulty of maintaining a long-term marriage, mentioning the possibility of“ deadening routines, cyclical arguments and repetitive conversations” and the difficulty of maintaining“ excitement and passion.” OK, these are real risks. They are problems, however, in great measure because our culture tells us lies about what makes us happy and what we should expect from romance.
It’ s the setup that’ s the problem- the unrealistic assumption that the‘ excitement’ in year twenty relationship must match the heat of the infatuation you experienced in your early courtship. Set that aside and you can enjoy a vibrant, interesting, and deeply loving relationship after many years together.
Here are just a few simple but powerful questions you can ask your partner. They will help you re-engage more deeply:
•“ What are you doing now that you are you most excited about?”
•“ What are your dreams?”( Be sure to shut up after asking this question!)
•“ So what do you think about ….?( it could be almost anything)
•“ What can I do to help you this week?”
•“ What’ s something you’ ve always wanted to do, but you just somehow never got around to doing?”( a vacation, a hobby, a skill, etc.)
Lie No 7:“ Self-care is essential- you need to put your own oxygen mask on first in order to be able to help others.”
Valentine’ s Day Rule: Just focus on helping and supporting each other, period- then you don’ t have to remember silly clichés about oxygen masks on airplanes.
You should absolutely take care of yourself, but don’ t buy into the self-care worship that is promoted by the wellness industry and some therapists. The point is not that self-care is bad, but rather that an excessive focus on it can turn into self-absorption. Healthy self-esteem that allows you to treat yourself well is different than the attitude that“ once I’ ve taken care of me, then I’ ll think about you.”
These rules aren’ t just for Valentine’ s day, of course.
Dr. Clifford J. Ferguson is the Managing Partner of Rainmakers, and Board Member of Glad’ s House Kenya. You can commune with him on this or related matters via email at: Drcliffordjferguson @ me. com.