46 • The Beacon October 24 , 2024

On Oct . 15 , 1988 , President Ronald Reagan established October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month . According to the March of Dimes , it is estimated that 10 – 20 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage , often before the woman even knows she is pregnant . Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester .

Statistics from the CDC show that stillbirth affects about one in 175 pregnancies and that nearly 21,000 babies are stillborn in the United States each year . Late stillbirths – those that occur at 28 weeks or more of gestation – statistics show that three of every 1,000 births are stillborn .

Many years ago , when a woman lost a baby , especially early in the pregnancy , that child was rarely mentioned again . They often didn ’ t have names , yet , and the parents may not have known if the child was a boy or girl .

With technology today , parents often find out early in the pregnancy whether they are having a son or daughter and the baby has a name . This is what happened to our family and so many others around the country .

Raylan Mack Brenly was due on Christmas Eve 2021 . We found out in early July that he was a boy and he had a name soon after that . We rarely referred to him as “ the baby ” but always by his name . He had a huge family waiting to meet him and we were all so excited at the idea of him being born on Christmas .

On Oct . 4 , we learned he was gone . He was fine , then he was gone . Our family was shattered . I ’ ll be honest . I knew lots of people who had lost babies . It never occurred to me that we might lose Raylan . That happened to other families , not ours . Other families had nurseries that wouldn ’ t be used . They had Christmas presents that wouldn ’ t be played with . Not our family .

Raylan was delivered by c-section on Oct . 5 , and we began the long process of trying to come to terms with him being gone . The fact that we had never met him meant nothing . He was one of us . He was our little guy . Three years later , I still have days that I am furious with God for taking him , even as I pray to see him one day . Grief

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is like that .

When my daughter got pregnant again , I was so excited . We were all thrilled , but scared . What happened once might happen again .

She didn ’ t want to plan a baby shower ( Raylan ’ s shower was planned and was supposed to be only a few weeks after we lost him ). Most days , I put the fear in the back of my mind , but some days , it was nearly impossible .

Our sweet rainbow baby , Rosalyn Jade , was born on her big brother ’ s birthday . She was happy and healthy and we thanked God for sending her to us . She helped us to heal more , but we still missed Raylan . Every day , I wondered what he would be like . Would he

When someone you know loses a baby , please let them talk to you without judging their comments . They need to vent all kinds of feelings , from grief to guilt to anger , without worrying what you will think . Let the family know you are there for them . Offer to help with anything they may need , just like you would if an older family member passed away .

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BF-162058 be a car guy like his daddy ? Would he love books like his mommy ? Would he look like Cory or Mandy ? I still wonder , even as I spoil little Rosie as much as possible .

When someone you know loses a baby , please let them talk to you without judging their comments . They need to vent all kinds of feelings , from grief to guilt to anger , without worrying what you will think . Let the family know you are there for them . Offer to help with anything they may need , just like you would if an older family member passed away .

For our family , Raylan is included in everything . There is a metal R that was to be a decoration in his nursery that is included in family portraits . He gets a Christmas ornament every year . His picture is framed in my living room . His birthday is mentioned as much as Rosie ’ s . We look for ways to make sure people remember him . We try to find ways to bring happiness to others in his memory .

The families I have met who have suffered a loss all want their babies to be remembered . Some of started non-profits to send baskets or teddy bear ornaments to grieving parents . Lost babies are very much a part of their family and it hurts when their names are not mentioned or remembered . Each family is different , though , and you will need to ask the parents how they feel . Give them time to grieve and then ask how you can help celebrate the baby they lost .

Raylan , Reagan , Isabelle , Presley and Layken – we miss you all and will hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in heaven . We love you to the moon and back .

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