Avoid asking “why” if at all possible. In most cases asking “why”, especially when something negative happens (real or perceived), only creates more stress. People feel they are on the spot and being accused of something even when talking to themselves. Asking “why” normally evokes excuses and defense of ones beliefs, attitudes, values and actions. It brings up emotions, past memories and usually directs blame externally. Plus sometimes we don’t know ‘why”. ‘Why’ tends to be philosophical.
If asking yourself questions or someone else for that matter, especially after something negative, it’s best to choose one or more of the sample words listed below as they appeal to insights in a non-threatening way. They help draw out inner resources. They tend to be more open-end questions and evoke a broader range of thinking and less emotional responses which opens the mind to be more analytical, concrete and solution oriented. They are problem-solving questions. We become more invested in learning if we are allowed to think things through and own them.
What, How, Where, When
Example:
Man on first. Grounder hit to second baseman. Second baseman misses the ground ball.
First thought – “Crap!” or “Are you kidding?” or “That was stupid!”
If the next thought is a question:
Q: Why did you miss that ground ball?
A: The base runner blocked my view.
Better (if questioning)
Q: What might you have done differently?
Q: How might you have done that differently?
A: Moved up on the ball so the base runner either had to stop or go behind
me.
Q: Where else might you have been positioned on that play?
A: More to the right. Next time I’d move a little more to the right and I also
will be in better position for turning a double play.
Q: When did you realize that there might be a problem fielding the ball?
A: The moment I hesitated. When the ball was hit I was still checking the
runner at first. I was slow focusing back on the pitch.
While these are some actual responses I have received from players, they also work the same way in self-talk. “Why” inevitably gets an excuse or a deflection to an external source. No solution oriented thinking – not constructive. The other questions are non-judgmental and doesn’t put you on the defense. It doesn’t focus on the negative outcome. It goes beyond it and puts attention on thinking about possible alternative solutions. Again, the examples are just four of many that can be used.
Please also note the use of “might” vs “could”. Another simple, subtle and almost always over looked important use of words. “Might” opens the mind to search for possibilities and solutions while “could” keeps the mind inhibited or even closed. What do you suppose might be the reason for that?
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