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The Ex Files Suck It Up and Get Along with Your Ex
When my divorce was new , talking with my ex was painful . We were angry at each other , and , let ' s face it , looking for ways to hurt each other . But no matter how right I felt I was , deep down in my heart I knew : Being in constant fight mode was horrible for my kids , and it was making me even more miserable . " You have an obligation to your kids to stay friendly -- or at least civil -- with your former spouse ," says Neuman . But this is easier said than done . So , I tried my hardest and used the greatest gift to divorced parents everywhere : e-mail . Hashing out sensitive topics this way allowed me to cool down before responding . " Read the e-mail again in the morning , and make sure it says exactly what you mean ." Don ' t be snide , angry , or sarcastic . Try for a pleasant and courteous tone even if you don ' t feel that way . It ' s easy to fake it electronically .
... and Stop the Trash Talk
" It ' s absolutely critical that you take the high road and don ' t bad-mouth your ex in front of the kids ," says Susan Bartell , PsyD , author of Mommy or Daddy : Whose Side Am I On ? Whatever his flaws , your kids love their dad with all their heart . But what about when your ex doesn ' t show up for visits or blows off child-support payments and actually makes your kids ' life miserable ? " It ' s good to acknowledge your child ' s feelings as long as you don ' t add anger to your empathy ," says Neuman . You can say " I know it ' s hard that Dad couldn ' t come again this Wednesday ," but leave out the " That jerk has always been irresponsible !" comments .
As if this advice isn ' t tough enough to follow , you ' ve also got to keep yourself from making negative comments to your friends , mother , or next-door neighbor if there ' s even a chance that you ' ll be overheard by your kid . A sleeping child has a way of appearing out of thin air -- just when you ' re cursing out his dad . Remind yourself that each time you keep quiet , you ' re causing your child a little less pain .
Moving On - Cut Yourself Some Slack -- but Don ' t Drop the Reins
When my kids and I first moved into our own place , it soon started to resemble a really nice frat house . We ' d stay up late watching videos and fall asleep in my bed . We ' d eat microwave popcorn and cereal for dinner . Without another grown-up in the house , I realized that it was easier to slide down to my children ' s level than lift them up to mine . It wasn ' t long before I realized that this was no way to live -- we needed some order in the house . " Newly divorced and single moms and dads do have to be kind to themselves and allow for less structure , but you can ' t let it all go and turn into a roommate instead of a parent ," says Neuman .
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