The truth is that there are many bullying situations in which the victim cannot simply beat up the bully and end the problem. The very nature of bullying renders victims fearful, frozen and incapable of defending themselves.
According to bullying researcher Dan Olweus, bullying is characterized by three factors:
1) It is repetitive (not a one-time event in the hall, but a regular ongoing problem).
2) It is unwanted (not two-way teasing where both parties are having fun, but instead a situation where someone is on the receiving end of taunts and aggression).
3) It takes place in the context of a power imbalance (a bigger kid against a smaller kid, or multiple kids against a single kid, or a kid with more social capital against a kid with less social capital).
When multiple kids are targeting one child, the situation can feel completely overwhelming. Felicia Garcia, a 15-year-old New York student, threw herself in front of a train in October, allegedly after being taunted by multiple football players at her high school.
How would it have helped her to simply punch one of them?
It would not have done anything, except possibly put her at risk for physical harm.
Earlier in October, Canadian teen Amanda Todd committed suicide after making a YouTube video detailing her history of being bullied mercilessly, online and in person. Both girls were allegedly the victims of sexually explicit bullying, which is not something easily combated by punching the bully in the face.
When a parent or a teacher tells a child who is being bullied to stop tattling and fight back, it can make the situation worse.
Those kids who are unable to fight back may end up feeling blamed for the bullying. Their already fragile self-esteem is further weakened, as they wonder, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I make this stop?"
Even if a child does succeed in hitting back (whether through physical intimidation or verbal taunts or cyberbullying), what message does this send?
It teaches kids to out-bully each other, rather than to focus on restoration and restitution.
Fight Back!
In trying to get the bullying to stop, targets may avoid the location where the bullying is happening. They might change the way they dress or act in order to minimize the bullying, but then they suffer for not being true to who they are. Kids who are afraid to be themselves can become anxious and depressed.
Children have many reasons for not telling adults about bullying situations.
- They are ashamed of being bullied.
- They are afraid of retaliation.
- They don’t think anyone can help.
- They don’t think anyone will help.
- They have bought into the lie that being bullied is part of growing up.
- Children who are also bullied by adult may believe that they are permitted t be bullied.
- They have learned that “ratting” is not cool.
Secrecy