COMMUNITY
The Code of Abilene
DAVID ROOT Bay Mediation & Arbitration davidfroot @ gmail . com
A lawyer friend called me about a problem he was having with an opposing attorney . He described how difficult this person had been , and read to me their contentious email exchange . turned to “ what is happening in our country and across the world right now .” She spoke of recent police killings of black persons and wrote , “ Racism is alive in our country , our state , in Queen Anne ’ s County , and our schools .”
“ Have you ever met this guy ?” I asked . “ No ,” he replied . “ Our only communications have been by email .”
“ What about the phone ? Have you called him to try to straighten things out ?” I inquired .
My friend stiffened and replied defensively , “ I am not going to talk to that son of a -- !”
Conflict in America is at an all-time high . The pandemic got us further accustomed to hunkering down , watching our preferred cable news channels , absorbed in our assorted social media outlets , communicating by texts and emails , and getting madder and madder at each other . Our quarreling – often played out on impersonal electronic platforms – too often descends into a kind of good-versus-evil tribal warfare with scant hope of compromise .
We resist working things out face to face .
In her recent book High Conflict , author Amanda Ripley explores “ the mysterious force that incites people to lose their minds ” in altercations with others , many of whom they have never even met . She defines “ high conflict ” as one “ that becomes self-perpetuating and all-consuming , in which almost everyone ends up worse off . Typically an us-versus-them conflict .” In this disputatious world , the normal rules of human engagement – communicating in person , considering all sides of an issue – no longer seem to apply .
Examples of high conflict abound . A controversy in the Queen Anne ’ s County school district on the eastern shore of Maryland is typical . In June 2020 , school superintendent Dr . Andrea Kane wrote an end-of-school-year letter to parents of the district ’ s 7,000 students . After reporting on sundry routine matters , Dr . Kane
According to Dr . Kane , “ When I hit send , everything just imploded .” Battlelines soon formed in this school district that is 85 % white and mostly conservative .
Richard Smith , a school board member and local business owner , was offended by Dr . Kane ’ s characterization of racism in the county , declaring , “ We do not have a racist county . We do not have a racist board .”
Echoing Mr . Smith ’ s view , Gordana Schifanelli , an immigrant from Communist Yugoslavia and 22 year county resident , created a Facebook group called Kent Island Patriots . Schifanelli asserted that the county had “ no significant racial hatred ,” and that Dr . Kane “ needs to end her contract and go !”
The conflict continued its downward spiral into the 2020-21 school year . The stress led Dr . Kane to take sick leave in October 2020 . By January 2021 she filed race discrimination charges against the school board .
Meanwhile , Schifanelli made her case on Fox News , where the interviewer – who Ripley might call a “ conflict entrepreneur ” – gleefully egged her on .
The denouement came in August 2021 with Dr . Kane ’ s resignation . “ It is a difficult and divisive time in Queen Anne ’ s County ,” she said in an interview . “ It is beyond unfortunate . It does not have to be this way .”
Dwight Eisenhower knew more than most about high conflict from his service as a commanding general and U . S . president . However , he always recalled “ the code of Abilene , Kansas ,” which he learned there as a boy growing up : “ Meet anyone face to face with whom you disagree .”
30 August / September 2023