COMMUNITY to demonstrate empathy , Voss suggests repeating back what the other side said — often “ mirroring ” or using their own words . Acknowledging the other side ’ s feelings and beliefs puts the parties on the same wavelength and opens the door to further conversation .
If emotions are still running high and open-ended questions are proving ineffective , another way to demonstrate empathy is to use what Voss calls “ labeling .” Labeling is used to defuse negative emotions by placing the ball in the other side ’ s court . To effectively use labeling , one should 1 ) listen and observe the opposing side , and 2 ) ask a question that starts with “ it seems like ...” or “ it looks like ...” to summarize what the opposing side was communicating . This tactic lowers the opposing side ’ s defenses because you are trying to learn where they are coming from . It also gives the other side another opportunity to further explain their goals for the negotiation .
In mediation , parties can take their time to respond to an offer to create the illusion of serious thought . At depositions , attorneys can pretend to read their notes to illicit further response from a deponent . At trial , attorneys can use silence to emphasize a point . Even though nothing is being said , silence always communicates something . Voss understands the power of silence in negotiations . He describes “ effective pausing ” as the advantageous process of inviting further conversation ; forcing the other side to “ fill the void .” In negotiations , silence is an important tool for pressing the other side to continue the conversation . relationships with empathy . Labeling and using silence are just two of the many ways Voss suggests how to get the opposing side talking . The other key component to Voss ’ “ tactical empathy ” is the ability to listen . Do not sit there thinking about what you will be saying next , but process what the opposing side is saying and use open-ended questions to continue the conversation . Attorneys know the phrase “ they just want their day in court .” This is not just some legal platitude but reveals the innate desire for people to be heard and understood . If you listen to the opposing side and give them the opportunity to explain themselves , you will be able to frame your negotiations in a way that makes sense to them , and not just you .
Never Split the Difference offers attorneys a fresh take on navigating negotiations through the eyes of your opponent . Instead of forcing your offense , take what the defense is giving you . Learn what is most important to the other side by giving them the opportunity to explain it to you . I left my jump shot back at the University of Florida gym , but my focus on adapting my game and playbook around others stays with me . Like how a cheetah uses its tail to give it balance as it runs , or how Bryant used his off leg to balance his fadeaway shot . In short , be phenomenally curious of the opposing side and those around you .
Never Split the Difference is not a guide to manipulating others , but a source for how to continue conversations through building
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