STARVED
I didn't measure up to my ever-changing standard, self-hatred
manifested in me. Because of my perfectionism,
I believed the
lie that no one would accept me with weaknesses or faults, so
I tried to act like I did not have any, wearing various masks to
cover these various hurts. Because Iwore these masks for so long,
I had no idea who I really was. I was also very performancebased, believing that what I did defined who I was.
Of course I had a lot of control issues and loved being in
control of anything and everything, including my weight. This
obsession landed me in a doctor's office after my mom had seen
me in a swim suit and realized that there had to be something
wrong. My eyes were sunken, and I had extra hair allover my
body, giving me a skeleton-like look. I convinced both my
family and myself that I was fine. This denial continued for
about a year, until I realized that something was wrong, and I
finally admitted that I did have an eating disorder.
Deeply troubled, I told my family, and we decided together
that if anorexia was not eating, then freedom was simply to
eat. So I started eating and gained a couple of pounds. This
made my family happy and convinced them once again that
everything was okay. I continued like this for three more years,
eating just enough to make everyone think I was okay, while
still covering up the deep pain buried within. The pain came
out in other ways, however, such as depression, self-harm, and
suicide attempts.
Along with being anorexic,
I had an extreme exercise
obsession that controlled my life. Every waking moment, if
I wasn't thinking about how not to eat, counting calories, or
planning my next meal, then Iwas working out. Iwas still left
unfulfilled, and I turned to the one thing I had not yet tried
...
bulimia.
62