Inevitably, there will be conflict in a team. There’ s not a professional team in the world that doesn’ t experience strife at some point. Because adults can be such poor communicators, we can’ t expect children to get it right. Even when they do, it doesn’ t mean a child will interpret a teammate’ s comment the way it was meant. Even if both sides get it right, it doesn’ t mean a parent won’ t get defensive hearing another child tell their child what to do.
What about physical conflict? We have a rule in our college program that tackles in training need to be based on the level of physicality needed to keep both sides safe. If you’ re tackling with strength to be safe, it’ s warranted. If you’ re tackling with emotion, you need to find a way to calm down. Responding appropriately to people“ yelling” at you or being rougher than you expected makes you strong.
In over 30 years of college coaching, I didn’ t have a single prospective student-athlete tell me they wanted to major in sport psychology until a year ago. Now I have many. Professional athletes are quitting sport. World-famous athletes are choosing to sit out the Olympics to focus on mental health. Dealing with anxiety and pressure in sport makes one more resilient to life’ s challenges.
Sooner or later, each of us will make a mistake or a series of mistakes. What if that mistake leads one’ s company to lose money? Sport provides the opportunity to come back and persevere, to deal with a setback and start over if needed. Teaching a child to respond to a shortcoming will serve them better in life than yelling at them about what they already know. To be honest, the amazing feeling of winning that big game or scoring the game winner is so powerful because the potential to lose or miss exists. You can’ t celebrate the great moments if you can’ t accept there will be bad days.
What if that mistake disappoints teammates, coaches and parents? I’ ve found, in all my years of coaching, the most damaging thing I can relay to players is disappointment. I learned the weight of that concept when I shared that sentiment with a team and saw the emotions of players unfold online. There was no moment when I realized more that we’ re on the same team and my job is to get the most I can out of kids and be proud of them for trying.
When your children are not chosen for a team or promoted to a higher team, it prepares them for college applications and true-to-life career experiences. The pain they experience is important to help them develop a proper reaction. It’ s hard to watch, but it hardens them and prepares them for life. That kind of growth isn’ t cemented by yelling at a child.
The game itself hardens children. As a coach, it’ s your job to teach kids how to deal with these events, to prepare them for life. As a parent, you can’ t complain that kids are soft today, then run them across town to a different club to protect them from dealing with not making the first team in your community.
I often share with coaches and families a long list of things children must experience through sport to make them healthy, well-balanced adults. Denying them these opportunities makes them soft. Yelling at them about these events is what you do when you don’ t know how to coach them through.
Every youth athlete must experience these events:
1. Win / Lose 1-0 2. Win / Lose 2-0 3. Win / Lose 5-0 4. Win Three in a Row / Lose Three in a Row 5. Play Up One Player / Play Down One Player 6. Win as an Underdog / Lose as the Favored Team 7. Play in 22 ° Weather / Play in 98 ° Weather 8. Play in Wind, Rain, Snow
9. Play on Long Grass / Matted Down Turf / Wet Ground / Hard Ground
10. Play on a 65x110 Field / Play on an 80x120 Field
11. Feel Every Call Is Going Against Their Team / Get Every Call
12. Feel Every Call Is Going Against Themselves / Get Every Call
13. Play With Angry Coaches / Refs / Parents 14. Play With Nice Coaches / Refs / Parents 15. Play With a Poor Referee / a Great Referee 16. Play in a Physical / Dangerous Game 17. Play in an Uneventful Game 18. Experience Unfair Brackets
19. Play Two Games in a Day / Have Three Weeks Between Games
20. Play Ill / Injured( As Long as it Won’ t Make it Worse) 21. Miss Games Due to Illness / Injury
Want to make your kids tough? Allow them to experience these events. Want to be an amazing coach? Help them process these moments. If you’ re not strong enough to let them learn or you’ re not a
very good coach, just yell at them. n
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