We’ re Making Kids Soft
BRANDON KOONS Women’ s Coach at Otterbein University
In the spring of 2024, I was convinced to release a book I had written for myself. I started with a list of the most cliché comments I hear every year on youth sports fields, courts and such.
I wrote lines from coaches:
“ You’ re an embarrassment. You shouldn’ t be allowed to wear this jersey!”
… from parents:
“ It’ s OK if you yell at my daughter. She needs that to motivate her, and it’ ll make her work harder.”
… from referees:
“ You do that again and I’ ll card you.”( To an eight-year-old, with no explanation of what he did.)
After compiling the list, I sorted comments by common groups( coaches, parents and referees) then started to expand. Eventually, it started to look like a book. The“ book” was read by our volleyball coach, a youth sports parent herself. She compelled me to clean it up and release it.
The response to the book was great. Some families bought multiple copies and shared them with the parents on their children’ s teams. Some directors bought copies for all the coaches on their staff. It’ s even doing well on Amazon.
However, one of the counter-takeaways is“ not being able to yell at kids makes them soft.”
It’ s an ironic statement coming from people representing coaches in a youth sports world that expels millions of children before the age of 13 … from a parent group that collectively fires off a never-ending stream of emails complaining about 8:00 a. m. games and 8:00 p. m. games, doing too much and not doing enough, playing in weather that is too cold and weather that is too hot, playing in rain or snow, etc. … and from a growing number of referees who view a disagreeing shake of the head as dissent.
The truth is, the groups( on all sides) are large enough to include people that understand development and the game and a much louder group of people who do not. There are amazing referees, but when they’ ve truly done a great job, their participation is not memorable. It’ s the referees who tell young girls to“ get your chubby little hands off of her” that we share stories about. There are amazing coaches that greatly outnumber the ones who push more children out of the game than they keep. The worst of the parents label the entire group.
If it were true that yelling at children or sitting ten-year-olds out of a league game to help ensure a win was effective, why don’ t we use that in our pitch to convince children to play sports?
Instead of“ Would you like to play soccer this fall, join a team, make friends, exercise and get your own jersey?” what if we said:“ You’ ll sometimes lose games to children who are simply bigger, stronger and faster, but your coach will yell at you to work harder. The next day at practice you’ ll be told to stop talking to your friends and run laps while your coach leans on a goal post and responds to emails. At some point you may get a concussion, but we’ ll wait to see a doctor until after your next game because if you win, you’ ll move from 23rd in the state rankings to 22nd.”
If we’ re so certain this is how to coach children, we should be confident enough to tell them that before they try out. If it’ s effective coaching, why don’ t teachers yell at children who struggle to spell? The process of learning a skill in soccer unfolds the same way a child learns to tie his shoes.“ You loop it, THEN you swoop it!! How many times do I have to tell you?!”
Yelling is what children do when they can’ t find the words to express their feelings. It’ s the same when a coach assumes he knows it all because he played high school soccer, never puts any time into learning his craft, and is too stubborn to realize the response to“ I can’ t for the life of me figure out why you won’ t shoot!” is because he throws a tantrum every time a player shoots and misses.
An eight-year-old works harder when you yell at her because she is frightened. She wants you to stop yelling and she is embarrassed in front of her friends. She does whatever she thinks you want, to make it stop. A boss can yell at an adult and often get the same result, but how long would you stand for it in your workplace? Over the years, I’ ve seen coaches who are borderline abusive walk out of staff meetings complaining about being“ yelled at.”
Sport can make you tough. But it isn’ t the yelling that does it. It’ s the things that mirror life that prepare us for getting through difficult times.
Anyone who has missed a season to injury will tell you how difficult that is. Many find it so worrisome to miss a game they lie about their status. Learning to deal with an injury, serving your team in other ways, leaning into rehab and going through that emotion prepares one for life.
32 | Soccer Journal