The media portrayal of celebrity mothers can feed the myth of the ‘supermum’, but
seemingly ‘perfect’ mothers like Gwyneth Paltrow, Elle McPherson & Sadie Frost have all suffered from
postnatal depression. The mother who seems to have it all sorted may really appreciate a cup of tea and a chat with another mum.
Another good tonic for the ‘supermum’ blues is to look at things from your baby’s perspective. As part of the ‘supermum’ discussion we have in my Early Days courses, I ask mothers to think about what babies need. The list is generally quite short – love, food, warmth, stimulation and clean nappies – and has little overlap with ‘supermumming’. It is ok to let your usual standards slip. The ‘perfect’ mothers we see in the media often have a lot of help both with their babies and their homes. But if there is something in particular that is really bothering you – whether it’s an untidy kitchen or uncut hair – think about how you can marshal your resources to tackle it. Relatives and friends are usually very keen to support new mothers so be specific about what help you need from them.
A much more attainable alternative to the ‘supermum’ is the ‘good enough’ mum. Donald Winnicott, an eminent paediatrician and psychoanalyst, argued that ‘good enough’ is what babies need. In lecture given in 1968 (reprinted in ‘Babies and their mothers’) he argued:
“Human beings fail and fail; and in the course of ordinary care a mother is all the time mending her failures. These relative failures with immediate remedy undoubtedly add up eventually to a communication, so that the baby comes to know about success. Successful adaptation thus gives a sense of security, a feeling of having been loved….It is the innumerable failures followed by the sort of care that mends that build up into a communication of love, of the fact that there is a human being there who cares.”
The idea of being a ‘good enough’ mother may not be everyone’s cup of tea. When we discuss this in Early Days groups, some mothers say they want to be more than ‘good enough’, to aim higher. Perhaps another way of framing it is to try to be the best mother you can in your particular circumstances, but to accept that there will be many times when you won’t get things right. It is important to be kind to yourself and not set yourself unattainable standards. Trying to be a ‘supermum’ can damage your emotional wellbeing – research shows a link between being perfectionist and having a higher risk of postnatal depression.