236 Being a Doctor After Being a Patient
Charles still felt peripheral because of both external realities and internal
uncertainties and doubts. ‘‘I’m fringe, not associated with a major uni-
versity.’’ His new identity as a ‘‘researcher’’ buffered his self-esteem, and
was particularly important, since he felt his role as a physician had
vanished. But he felt he had less prestige and respect than if he were a
‘‘full doctor.’’
Who Am I Versus What I Do? Retirement and Identity
Many questioned whether they still were physicians if they no longer saw
patients. They were forced to examine whether and how much of being a
physician was either an identity or an activity.
Concretely, they disagreed even as to whether to call themselves ‘‘doc-
tors’’ when no longer seeing patients. Some shifted their identity to en-
compass only the parts of the role that they maintained. For example,
Nancy, who had brain metastases, now saw herself as ‘‘a researcher’’ more
than ‘‘a physician,’’ drawing a fine, but to her, meaningful distinction. She
explained: ‘‘I think of myself as ‘kind of an academic’—not really ‘a phy-
sician’ anymore—because I’ve given up my patients. I’ve stopped viewing
myself as a doctor, really.’’
Here, being a doctor required doctoring—specifically, treating patients.
Similarly, Herb, the neonatologist with an MI, taught part-time, and no
longer saw patients. As a result, he felt like an educator. ‘‘I feel I’m still a
teacher and a resource.’’
Others still attempted to cling to their identities as physicians, resist-
ing retirement and seeking to maintain the trappings and symbols of
continued practice. Though he would never work again, Eleanor’s hus-
band insisted on renewing his license, because, he said, ‘‘It’s so much a
part of who I am.’’
Conversely, others felt that their professional identity was ingrained
to such a profound degree that they would always be doctors, even if not
practicing. Their profession was deeply instilled. Juan said:
Once I got an MD, I got it for life. Somebody said, ‘‘Since you’re
not a physician anymore. . . .’’ I’m not in practice, but I’ll always
be a physician. I’ll always be Puerto Rican. . . . I feel more like a ‘‘re-
tired physician’’—I can pick and choose what I want to do. I have
been put in an obstacle course and have jumped all the obstacles—