‘‘Once a Doctor, Always a Doctor?’’ 235
lunteering their services. Even if no longer practicing, they tried to remain
in the field in some way.
Yet here, too, dilemmas arose. Albert, who had an MI on the high-
way, redefined himself, but yearned to be involved in additional activities
(e.g., grants and teaching fellows) as well. Charles, with HIV, went so far
as to begin to investigate new drugs on his own.
I’m doing a study . . . underground, without a permit, without FDA
approval, using my friend’s office. I go outside of conventional
trials, use unapproved drugs, and take risks to treat myself and
others. I could get sued.
At one point, Charles and activist colleagues even treated patients in
a motel.
We secretly rented a wing of a motel, and brought in six patients
with adjoining rooms, and kept them there for two days with an-
esthesiologists, four doctors, and seven nurses. The motel didn’t
know what was going on. We knew it was potentially dangerous. I
started IVs, checked them, and hoped to God nobody crashed.
This new work as a medical researcher and activist supplied much-needed
purpose in Charles’s life. He did not know if he could ever return to private
practice now.
Charles altered his attitudes not only about work, but also about
broader political commitments.
I now see myself as part researcher, part crusader. There’s nothing
like coming down with a fatal illness to make you decide where
your loyalties and interests lie, to make you reexamine why I was a
knee-jerk Republican.
Still, such transition to volunteerism remained hard, as it provided
meaning, but not status. Charles insinuated to others that he was working
more than he was.
I had to wrestle with the idea that ‘‘I’m not working now.’’ I feel
I’m not part of society because other people go to routine job