‘‘They Treated Me as if I Were Dead’’ 131
did not consult with him as much on their research. He noted, ‘‘People
don’t give me their papers to review, or talk to me about protocols.
I get left out. . . . I need to accept the fact that at this point they don’t
need me.’’
Bradley wavered between sadness and acceptance concerning his
plight. He attributed the problem to ‘‘getting old,’’ not to the threat from
his illness per se. Yet these changes occurred following his heart attack,
after which others perceived him differently.
Discrimination could also be subtle or nonverbal, and hence difficult to
prove or redress. Neil, the neurologist, described how attendings did not
reject him, but nonetheless treated him as ‘‘different.’’
Nothing was said, but through their tone of voice, they treated me as
if I were sick: ‘‘Poor child.’’ They didn’t reject me per se. The di-
rector of the program became inappropriately very motherly. On
rounds she would touch me, just grab me—she’d be talking about
patients. It was not sexual, but ‘‘Dear, dear. . . .’’ They were giving
me too much sympathy. I didn’t want it—to feel anything had
changed.
Alternatively, staff may fail to take into account or may misinterpret a
physician’s symptoms. In many ways, doctors were not allowed to enter
the sick role. Colleagues may misunderstand the effects of mild, non-
specific symptoms, such as low energy and pain, seeing these as voluntary
rather than unwilled. Dan, the oncologist with chest metastases, described
such misapprehensions.
From time to time, I would need to go into my office and sit down
for fifteen minutes because of significant pain. The nurses viewed
this as inattentiveness. From time to time, I also told them,
‘‘Just leave me alone, I’ll take care of this problem with the chart,’’
or ‘‘This patient needs prescriptions? Leave it, I’ll take care of
it.’’ As a result of that, and of two not unexpected complications of
procedures, I had my privileges suspended.
Dan’s account may have been one-sided or incomplete, but nonetheless
underlined a clear problem.
The institution’s need for manpower may block compassion for ill
employees. Ill physicians were all the more surprised by such failure of
empathy, because they expected fellow health care professionals to be
caring, and to ‘‘know better’’ than to reject sick colleagues.