Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 52

JUST SPEAK CONT.
The statement “You can’t help people that don’t want to be
helped” is something not a lot of people understand, and
it’s often overlooked; but it rings true. I did not want help, I
continued to hurt myself, to the point it looked like barbed
wire was my outfit of choice. Even though I was struggling, it
seemed like everyone was against me.
Being openly mocked and told to kill yourself when you’re
barely even a teenager has a detrimental impact, especially
when it’s a daily occurence. Like a lightning rod, I attracted
negativity. I had nobody. I know now that kids are honestly
just ignorant, and usually don’t know any better; but I didn’t
know that back then. I thought I was a freak, that I was just a
disappointment to my parents, and it made it a whole lot more
difficult on me. I honestly thought that at such a young age I
would be better off dead, and it was painfully overwhelming.
I was fourteen when I tried to kill myself, barely a freshman in
high school. I overdosed. By the time I made it to the hospital
they were unsure about accepting me. I was almost flown Flight
For Life because they truly did not think I would make it. But
after pumping my stomach, giving me two IV’s, an oxygen mask,
and heart and lung monitors, I was released after 26 hours.
After that my perspective didn’t change much. I continued
down the rabbit hole into my own kind of madness. My self-
harm got worse, and I put myself in harrowing situations
and relationships on multiple occasions. I was a complete
wreck, and unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide countless
times. I felt so stupid; I was constantly contributing to my own
destruction. I made never ending mistakes, and I was blindly
doing things without thinking of the consequences.
If I was healthy, the consequences would have been enough to
stop me, or at least make me think that maybe what I was doing
wasn’t safe. But I wasn’t concerned about my safety; it was the
50  Depression