3
QUESTIONS
Every Child Needs
Their Father to Answer
Meg Meeker, MD
Great Parenting is simple, but it’s
hard. Most parents make parenting
far too difficult because they focus on
the small stuff: what grades their kids
are getting, what sports they excel at
and what kinds of clothes they wear.
But in the big picture, these things
really don’t matter––at least to kids.
What matters to them is the answers
they receive––particularly from their
fathers––to three burning questions.
And here’s a scary thought: all fathers
are answering them but most aren’t
really paying attention to what
they’re saying. Let’s look at each
question.
Dad, what do you believe about
me? If you and I had coffee, you
would be able to articulate in
several minutes exactly what your
father believed about you. He either
communicated that you were smart
or stupid, capable or weak. The
reason we can say this is because
what our fathers believe about us
shapes who we become. Teachers
help us, coaches inspire us, but
fathers shape our identities.
If you are a father, whether your
child is 2 or 18, they need to know
that you believe in their ability to
be a strong, capable person worth
loving. They need to know their life
20 Solutions
matters. Many fathers believe these
things about their kids but don’t ne-
cessarily communicate them. You
must, because knowing your deep
beliefs changes who your child
becomes.
The best way to figure out what
you are communicating to your child
is to look inside your heart. Do you
really believe that your child is strong,
compassionate, good and capable?
Or, do you believe deep down that
he or she is a disappointment? Often
fathers who have children who
remind them of themselves project
negative feelings onto the child,
causing the child to believe that he
is a failure. If that is the case, face
your feelings and let the child be
himself––not you. Come to grips with
your deep beliefs about your child
because I guarantee that he knows
exactly how you really feel. The best
way to help him feel better about
himself is for you to believe better
about him.
Dad, how do you feel about me?
There are two sentences that every
troubled teen I have ever seen, says.
They are: no one cares enough to
listen to me and no one really loves
me. Interestingly, if I asked the fathers
of those troubled teens what they felt