remember what we argued about . But the minute she started crying and getting emotional , I was done . It killed me to see her like that . I quickly agreed to do it her way .”
“ Has that continued over the years ?” I asked .
“ Pretty much . I can ’ t handle seeing her so upset .” He sounded concerned .
“ Do you always feel like you ’ ve come to the best decision ? A solution you can fully support ?”
He shook his head . “ Not at all . I often feel like it ended the discussion before we could even talk about the possibilities . But she can ’ t go there .”
I nodded . “ Do you know what that ’ s called ? It ’ s manipulation . It ’ s her way of ensuring she gets what she wants or needs without having to work through the process of achieving agreement . She may not
know she does it , but the impact is the same . It shuts you down and the conversation is over .” He looked stunned .
It ’ s not what he expected to hear . It ’ s not a conversation I expected to have .
In our new book , Don ’ t Go to Bed Angry , Stay Up and Fight , my husband and I “ unpack ” four communication traps .
• Silence
• Sulking
• Sarcasm
• Sound ( volume , getting loud or overpowering the other )
Each of these behaviors is a form of punishment applied in order to get what we want . “ If you won ’ t do what I want you to do , then I will ( fill in the behavior here ).” That ’ s called manipulation . Every trap on our list is a form of manipulation .
Manipulation is defined as controlling or playing upon someone by artful , unfair , or insidious means , especially to one ’ s own advantage . In my friend ’ s case , his wife ’ s use of sound shows up as emotionalism and crying . Each is both artful and unfair — and it ’ s certainly an advantage during conflict .
Manipulation is about getting what you want at the expense of another . What does the Bible say about it ? It ’ s a long list , but let ’ s hit a couple of the highlights :
• “ Don ’ t do anything for selfish purposes , but with humility think of others as better than yourselves . Instead of each person watching out for their own good , watch out for what is better for others ” ( Philippians 2:3-4 ).
•“ No one should look out for their own advantage , but they should look out for each other ” ( 1 Corinthians 10:24 ).
These aren ’ t optional
SMG Solutions 7