remember what we argued about. But the minute she started crying and getting emotional, I was done. It killed me to see her like that. I quickly agreed to do it her way.”
“ Has that continued over the years?” I asked.
“ Pretty much. I can’ t handle seeing her so upset.” He sounded concerned.
“ Do you always feel like you’ ve come to the best decision? A solution you can fully support?”
He shook his head.“ Not at all. I often feel like it ended the discussion before we could even talk about the possibilities. But she can’ t go there.”
I nodded.“ Do you know what that’ s called? It’ s manipulation. It’ s her way of ensuring she gets what she wants or needs without having to work through the process of achieving agreement. She may not
know she does it, but the impact is the same. It shuts you down and the conversation is over.” He looked stunned.
It’ s not what he expected to hear. It’ s not a conversation I expected to have.
In our new book, Don’ t Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight, my husband and I“ unpack” four communication traps.
• Silence
• Sulking
• Sarcasm
• Sound( volume, getting loud or overpowering the other)
Each of these behaviors is a form of punishment applied in order to get what we want.“ If you won’ t do what I want you to do, then I will( fill in the behavior here).” That’ s called manipulation. Every trap on our list is a form of manipulation.
Manipulation is defined as controlling or playing upon someone by artful, unfair, or insidious means, especially to one’ s own advantage. In my friend’ s case, his wife’ s use of sound shows up as emotionalism and crying. Each is both artful and unfair— and it’ s certainly an advantage during conflict.
Manipulation is about getting what you want at the expense of another. What does the Bible say about it? It’ s a long list, but let’ s hit a couple of the highlights:
•“ Don’ t do anything for selfish purposes, but with humility think of others as better than yourselves. Instead of each person watching out for their own good, watch out for what is better for others”( Philippians 2:3-4).
•“ No one should look out for their own advantage, but they should look out for each other”( 1 Corinthians 10:24).
These aren’ t optional
SMG Solutions 7