wandering on a Chicago highway, a dog
missing in Ohio which turned up a year
later in Florida, police who rounded up
ducklings on a busy California road, a
monkey found loose in a Chicago
ambulance, a goose attacking shoppers
outside an Indiana supermarket and a
strange pink-haired pony seen only at
night on an island in Quebec, But we
didn’t think you’d be interested in any
of them.
Instead, let’s raise a glass to the animal
lovers of Exeter. Residents of the UK
town contacted the RSPCA with their
worries about a fox which they spotted
lying under a bush. Concerned for its
welfare, they said it appear lethargic and
hadn’t moved for some days. The animal
experts asked them to attempt the
“broom test” to see if the fox followed
them with its eyes. The animal lovers
reported back that it did, and appeared to
be breathing well. So an RSPCA inspector
travelled to the scene to see the distressed
creature for herself and quickly
discovered it was a stuffed animal,
apparently placed there as a prank.
And then there’s Begbie, a four-year-old
Old English Bulldog who has redefined
the term melodramatic. He lives with his
family in Scotland and is named after a
character in Trainspotting who
terrorises his friends into going along
with whatever he wants. Just to prove it,
Begbie scared the life out of two
workmen recently when they believed
he had dropped dead in the street.
However, Begbie’s humans, Roz and
Matt, had to assure them that the dog
lying flat out in front of them was OK.
He was simply having a canine tantrum
because they had turned left out of his
cul-de-sac on the morning walk. Because
Begbie knows that his favourite long
walk through the woods starts with a
right turn, whereas a quick wander
round the block begins with the dreaded
left turn. Roz says he usually sulks for
about a minute, then gets up of his own
accord. Apparently, his strong
personality matches his physique and he
has a strop of he doesn’t get his own
way. Now, who does that remind us of?
Spare a thought for ...
... the woman who found an old photo of
herself as a tiny tot surround by spring
flowers and Easter eggs. Unfortunately,
when the shutter snapped the two Easter
bunnies in the foreground were busy
doing what bunnies do best ...
... residents of Jackson, Mississippi,
where mashed potato has been
appearing mysteriously. People in the
Belhaven districts have been finding
bowls of the stuff on their cars, porches
and mailboxes. Mind you, this is where
they decorate road signs and plant
Christmas trees in potholes, so let’s not
worry about it too much.
... a Detroit man who threw his shoe at a
cockroach. As the shoe landed, the
revolver he’d hidden inside it went off
and shot him in the foot. No
cockroaches were harmed in the
preparation of this news report.
... a couple from Indiana who are being
sued by their son for more than $86,000
after they destroyed his pornography
collection which he’d left in their house.
... the 29-year-old man from Maryland
in the US who plans a life with his Robo
Troll, a small plastic figure of a troll with
bright purple hair dressed as a robot. He
says a previous attachment to an electric
lamp fizzled out and he has also grown
out of the toy lorry he used to be fond
of. Now, he and Robo Troll plan
marriage although his mother doesn’t
really understand... (No, it’s not April 1st)
Lee @ Tinder
This is the story of Lee. He’s 28 and lives
in Surrey in a seemingly affluent style
which we know all about because he
posted pictures of himself at home on
the dating site Tinder. There’s Lee,
tucked up in bed with a cuddly panda.
There he is, studying beneath a reading
lamp and surrounded by shelves of
hardbacks in an impressive dark-wood
library filled with stylish furniture. And
look, there’s Lee again: this time in his
art room, posing with paint brush as he
completes another masterpiece. There’s
even a snap of Lee sitting cheekily on
the loo which is also filled with shelves
of books for casual reading. Natasha also
lives in Surrey says the photos of Lee’s
beautiful home and his cultured lifestyle
attracted her to him immediately. She
was so impressed that she read further
and came to his profile. Under hobbies,
Lee has listed himself as, “a fan of taking
photos in IKEA.”
And finally ...
The Asda supermarket in the Welsh
town of Cwmbran was giving away free
alcohol last month – at least it said it
was. In the store’s drinks department, a
large sign pointed the way to alcohol
free products, but unfortunately the
translation into the Welsh language was
a tad misleading. The words “alcohol
free” translate into Welsh as “di-alcohol,”
but the sign displayed read “Alcohol am
ddim,” which means “free alcohol” in
English. Asda apologised but, sadly,
confirmed they would not supply booze
free of charge. But they’re not the only
ones to have fallen foul of less than
perfect translations. There was the 2012
road sign in the Vale of Glamorgan
26
which urged drivers to “follow the
entertainment,” rather than “follow the
diversion,” while in 2016, a B&Q store
near Aberystwth erected a sign at their
old premises to advise customers that
they’d moved to a new address. It read in
Welsh, “You can find United States,” the
translator having mistaken the English
word “us” for the abbreviation “US.”
Finally, in 2008, Swansea council erected
a street sign advising, “No entry for
heavy goods. Residential site only.” The
Welsh text which accompanied this on
the sign read, “I am not in the office at
the moment. Send any work to be
translated.”
But don’t let the blame rest with hapless
English to Welsh translators because
English to English translations suffer too.
Check this month’s quotes below for
public misspellings and gaffes collected
over the years.
Quotes
“Petrel” – a Doncaster filling station
apparently selling sea birds.
“Minuites” – the equivalent of 1/60 of an
hour at Cambridge’s railway station.
“Keep Claer” – warning outside a school
in Chester.
“Fine” – what illegally parked cars will
be, according to a Private Parking site.
“Mini Dognuts” – a canine delicacy
available in the US apparently.
“Your the best teacher ever” – but were
there enough spelling classes?
“Scuba Diva” – a sort of underwater
Madonna?
“Executive Bored Room” – speaks
volumes ...
“After using the toilet please make sure
that you flash” – Er ... ?
“The Peter In Me” – unfortunate way to
advertise a Church sermon.
“Do not hang signs on fence” – sign
found hanging on fence.
“Prostituted” – a severe penalty awaits
shoplifters at this establishment.
Grateful acknowledgement to the following
papers from which some of this material is
extracted: Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily
Express, Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday,
The Sun, The Sunday Times, The Times and The
Telegraph. Seen something funny, bizarre or just
plain weird? Contributions for Jottings are welcome
by email to: [email protected].