♫ My unfunny Valentine ♫

On the 14th of this month is St Valentine ’ s Day . It ’ s a date when some folk get lucky . Just look at Torvill and Dean . That was the day they won the Olympic figure skating gold .

But conversely some people don ’ t get at all lucky on the 14th . Just because he wrote a book about Islam – the self-proclaimed religion of love – Salman Rushdie received a fatwa on St . Valentine ’ s Day , sentencing him to death . That wasn ’ t very loving , was it ?

But come the 14th February , maybe all you want is to go out for a quiet meal with your partner , although even that can have its challenges . Sometimes men can be too eager to impress , and some do this by showing off their knowledge of wine . One Valentine ’ s Day , a waiter from Osteria Tufo told how his customer took one sip of his vino and complained it was corked . “ Now she thinks I ’ m some sort of wine guru ,” the bloke was probably thinking , right up until that moment the waiter pointed out the wine bottle had a screw cap . From plonk expert to plonker .

But sometimes it doesn ’ t go too well for the woman either . Leo on Buzzfeed described how his Valentine date leant over the table to kiss him , a table with a candle on it . “ Her hair got caught in the candle ,” he said . “ She didn ’ t realize and proceeded to spread the fire to my very nice dress shirt . She then blamed it on me . I never saw her again ." Dates don ’ t get much hotter .

St Valentine ’ s Day isn ’ t just about overpriced restaurants and heart-shaped tat . Many non-romance related things have happened too . Emerging into the world on this day were actor Simon Pegg , businessman Michael Bloomberg , director Alan Parker , singer Tim Buckley , magician Teller ( of “ Pen and ” fame ) and legendary permoholic Kevin Keegan . However , the most famous thing born on this day , in 2005 , was a little website called YouTube . But maybe YouTube is romancerelated . If your Valentine ’ s date isn ’ t going too well at least you can mask the awkward pauses by finding something to watch .

But for seven fellas at least , the worst Valentine ’ s Day ever probably occurred in 1929 in Chicago . Allegedly at the command of Jack “ Machine Gun ” McGurn , seven members of George “ Bugs ” Moran ’ s rival gang were lined up against a wall and shot dead in what became known as the St Valentine ’ s Day Massacre . I think the lesson to be learnt from this is simple : If you ’ re the sort of bloke who wants to be in a gang , better to choose one whose leader has a weapon for a nickname rather than a load of insects .

But it ’ s not all fun and games . Saint Valentine the man , when he was just plain old Valentine , was a Christian priest in Rome . Unfortunately , he annoyed Emperor Claudius II by being a bit too preachy and was condemned to a ‘ triple execution ’ – flogging , stoning and , just to make sure , beheading .

As well as famously being the protector of lovers , St Valentine is the patron saint of beekeeping , epilepsy , fainting and , maybe appropriately , plague . Perhaps your Valentine ’ s date goes well . So well in fact that you do get lucky . But if it turns out your partner has been putting it about a bit and you contract some sort of sexual plague , then there ’ s always penicillin , which was discovered by Alexander Fleming in 1929 on – yes , you ’ ve guessed it – Valentine ’ s Day .

STEVEN PRIMROSE-SMITH

Read about Steven ' s adventures . He ’ s written six travel books as well as three novels , all available from Amazon .

Soltalk February 2023 | Page 47

♫ My unfunny Valentine ♫