SeniorConnectionsHJ . COM Senior Connections March / April 2024
EMPTY NEST from Pg 6
now so much more connected to their kids . They can text and FaceTime every day if they want to . Does that connectedness help with empty-nest syndrome ?
DN : I think one of the cool things about living in 2023 is we have all this incredible technology . We can FaceTime with people . We can video chat with people on the computer , but it is really not the same . Even if you talk for a half an hour online every day it ’ s not the same as seeing them at breakfast or spending time with them on the weekend .
MP : Do pop culture-fed assumptions about the “ liberation ” of the empty nest make people who are actually feeling sad about this transition feel ashamed of their emotions ?
DN : It can take some time for us to come up with new patterns and develop a way of dealing with loss and adjusting to change that ’ s happening . That ’ s normal . If you feel sad and unmoored after your child leaves the home , it ’ s not like you have done something wrong or you are weak . It is typical . It is the natural response . First , I want to make sure that people understand that it is OK and normal and appropriate to be sad , to recognize that this thing happened and you are feeling sad about it . Recognizing the source of what ’ s making us feel something is important .
MP : How do you suggest parents cope with these upsetting feelings ?
DN : Everyone is a little bit different . It might be they have the kind of relationship with their kid where they can schedule a regular call to check in . But you should ask your child ahead of time if it is OK to do that . I also think it is important for people to make time to do things for themselves that will help them in the healing process . Be patient with yourself . Think about this experience like you were in a car accident : You ’ d be sore for a while and it would take time to get better . Your insides and your outsides both can be injured . If your body was really jostled in an accident , it is going to take a while for everything to heal . Same for your mental health .
MP : Do you ever talk to people who worry that their experience isn ’ t as amazing as the empty-nest experiences they see on Instagram or TikTok ?
DN : I hear that all the time . I think social media is so unhelpful . It is all about getting clicks , not about reality . It can actually make people feel more isolated and depressed . All of that stuff is about making money or getting attention . It is not about being accurate or true or even helpful . If you are feeling bad or crummy about what ’ s going on in your life , don ’ t go on Instagram . It is not an accurate depiction of the typical person ’ s life . It is absolutely normal to have mixed feelings about your child leaving the house . Being an empty nester is not this mega-happy , blissful Disney version of “ The Little Mermaid .” That ’ s really far from reality , which can sometimes feel more like the Hans Christian Andersen version . Recognize that kids leaving is a very big transition . I ’ ve brought up the metaphor of when someone dies or someone breaks up with you . Our kids leaving is just as big .
MP : Do you have personal experience with empty-nest syndrome ?
DN : I have kids , but they aren ’ t old enough to leave yet . Having kids was a very , very , very big deal . It probably is not fair to say that having a child leave for college is as big a deal as when child is born , but it is still a very big deal and we need to recognize that .
MP : What about people who don ’ t feel that sad when their kid leaves ? Has anyone ever told you they feel guilty , like they should be more mournful about the situation ?
DN : Sometimes people feel that way and they tell me they thought they should feel bad about the transition and they didn ’ t . I just say that there is no right way to feel about something . You just need to pay attention to those feelings and honor them . Our emotions are like the dashboard of our car : They tell us tell us when something is going on in our body that we should be aware of before everything breaks down . I think that in the U . S ., a lot of guys , a lot of people in general , work so hard that even when we are really overwhelmed we don ’ t pay attention to our emotions as much as we should to support our overall health . I ask people , “ What are your emotions ? What do you feel ? If you are feeling crummy , what are some things that can help you feel less crummy ?” We can always can cover up our dashboard and keep driving . But we won ’ t know when we need to put gas in the car or
when we are going too fast or when the check engine light comes on . Eventually we have to look at the dashboard . We need to check in from time to time with our feelings and see if we need help .
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SeniorConnectionsHJ . COM Senior Connections March / April 2024
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