As the nest empties , the mental health of many parents suffers , Allina psychologist reports
Parents feeling down after their young-adult children have gone off to college might wonder if they are out of step when they see online videos depicting newly minted empty nesters dancing and celebrating their child-free lives . But the truth is that the first few weeks and months after children leave the house can be upsetting for many parents , said Dr . David Nathan , licensed psychologist and eastern region lead for Allina Health .
Nathan , who practices out of Allina ’ s Highland Park clinic in St . Paul , says that the departure of a young-adult child is often a significant trauma for parents , many of whom never expected the transition would be that hard .
“ Just like when a loved one dies or when someone breaks up with us , having our children leave home is a very big deal to the human mind ,” Nathan said . “ Someone who is very close to us , who is a very important part of our life , is no longer there . It is hard — and it ’ s important to acknowledge the feelings that transition raises in our bodies and minds .”
Nathan treats people of all ages and genders , though he said that about 70 to 80 % of his patient population is male . He ’ s found that men experience empty-nest syndrome as often as women , but are less likely to recognize its symptoms in themselves or acknowledge them in other males .
“ I think our society does not do a really good job of telling guys it is OK to talk about these transitions or how they make them feel ,” he said . “ Too often , a lot of guys , especially older guys , are reluctant to talk about it openly or admit their feelings .” In fact , Nathan said , many of the men he treats for empty-nest syndrome come in at someone else ’ s urging : “ Often a guy gets referred to me because his wife , girlfriend or boss says , ‘ You need to talk to somebody .’” Recently , Nathan and I discussed the mental health toll of the empty-nest experience and ways he helps his patients adjust to this new stage of life . This interview has been edited for length and clarity .
MinnPost : When did you begin talking to patients who were struggling after their children left the nest ?
David Nathan : I started talking to people about empty-nest syndrome relatively early on in my career . It really is a core difficulty , a common struggle for many parents . If people have children they are probably going to experience this feeling . In some cases , kids do continue to live with their parents as they get older . But most of the time children move away . Often , but not always , this is a very difficult transition . It is often more difficult for the parent than it is for the kid . MP : How would you define empty-nest syndrome ?
DN : There is not a DSM diagnosis for empty-nest syndrome . Instead , someone might be diagnosed with anxiety or depression or adjustment disorder . The underlying issue that kicks these symptoms off is the fact that a child is no longer in the home . Often , empty-nest syndrome is defined by a sense of loss . Most of us like things in our lives to be predictable and familiar , especially when it comes to our relationship with our children . By the time a young person is in their late teens and early 20s , they are ready to start their own life . They are raring to go . They feel held back by their parents . This is hard for many parents . It is like breaking up with someone , like ending a relationship .
MP : What kind of symptoms do your patients experience when their children leave home ?
DN : One of the ways I look at mental health is when something crummy happens to us there are several ways for the mind to respond . One way is internalizing symptoms like anxiety or depression , keeping things inside our mind and having obsessions about certain topics . A second way is externalized symptoms . These are symptoms where someone shows their feelings indirectly but in a more outward manner . They might be irritable , slam objects or break things . They might even get into fights . The third way is somatic symptoms , or experiencing loss in your body like bad headaches , stomachaches or rashes .
MP : How do you help patients make the connections between these symptoms and the big life changes they are experiencing ?
DN : If someone comes to see me and they say they are feeling down or antsy or are having difficulties with anger , as a psychologist , I wonder what is the core issue that is contributing to them feeling that way ? If I learn that they have recently had a child leave the home , I can help them understand that this is a different kind of loss , and despite what they ’ ve heard from others or think for themselves , that loss can be significant . Often , people don ’ t connect their empty nest with their symptoms . It depends on people ’ s understanding of how they respond to stress and change . With a lot of people I can point things out to them and say , “ It is really difficult when your child leaves . You miss your kids . Our kids are supposed to leave , but it still makes sense that you are sad .” Besides simply missing having their child in the house , parents might also just worry about their kid , like , “ Are they going to be OK without us nearby ? What if something happens to them ?” I explain that it is OK to have those kinds of emotions . It is healthy for us to be aware of all of those feelings we are having and then think about ways to address them .
MP : Compared to when I was in college , parents are
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