Senior Connections Senior Connections Sept 2019 | Page 10

Using the proper address
Curmudgeon’s
Corner
IVAN RACONTEUR • EDITOR
I recently made one of my infrequent pilgrimages to the
shrine of the retail gods to engage in some retail therapy,
and when I reached the mall entrance, a polite young lady
who reached it just ahead of me, fl ashed me a smile and held
the door for me. This led me to three observations.
The fi rst is that some young people are still learning (and
practicing) good manners, which I consider a very good
sign.
The second is that somewhere along the line, young la-
dies stopped regarding me as an equal, and now treat me
with deference, as if I were an old man.
The third thing I observed, and this is the nub of the situa-
tion, was that it is not easy for a guy to know how to address
a young woman, or any woman, come to that.
In the situation referenced above, I responded with a
return of her warm smile, a brief nod, and a “Thank you
ma’am,” as I passed through the door. This seemed to sat-
isfy the requirements, but I was not sure if it was the proper
form.
Some might think I am being fl ippant, but curmudgeons
really do think about these things. We offend enough people
in the general course of activities, and we would just as soon
limit the number of people we offend through unintended
breaches of protocol.
As in most things, when it comes to proper forms of ad-
dress, guys are easy. A simple “Thank you, sir” covers just
about any casual encounter that might come up.
With women, it is a bit more complicated.
I think I did OK in the mall encounter, because, accord-
ing to Merriam-Webster, ma’am, or madame, are simply
nouns that mean “lady,” and are “used as a form of respect-
ful or polite address to a woman.”
There are, of course, some secondary meanings which
might not be proper at all, but I believe context carries us
through that minefi eld.
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“Ma’am” can sound a bit stiff and formal when used to
address a very young woman, but it may be the best alterna-
tive we have.
When I was growing up, we were taught to address old-
er, especially married women, as ma’am or madame, and
younger, single women as “miss.”
It can be risky to try to determine whether to use “ma’am”
or “miss” in the more traditional sense.
One would not wish to have to speculate as to whether
a woman is married or not, without having more than her
appearance to go on.
Another challenge is that young women try to look older,
and older women try to look younger, which blurs the lines
for those of us guys who aren’t all that observant in the fi rst
place.
In 1901, someone introduced the abominable “Ms.” to
try to get around that problem by giving us an alternative
neutral form of address that we could use when a woman’s
marital status was unknown or irrelevant.
Ms. works well enough for written business correspon-
dence, but for those of a dignifi ed nature, it is unpalatable
to have to utter a word that sounds like a cross between an
angry insect and a speech impediment.
I hate to have to say “Ms.” and, if I was on the receiving
end, I would hate to be called that. It is, at best, a half-baked
compromise, and that is how it sounds.
It gets worse if one has to use the plural form, which Mer-
riam-Webster gives as “Mss.” or “Mses.” I can say, “Hello,
ladies,” with a fair degree of confi dence, but if I were to
address a group of females by saying, “Hello Mses.” I can’t
imagine how they might react, but I suspect they would be
justifi ed if they were to retaliate in some unpleasant way.
I became curious about the proper form of address, be-
cause naturally one would not wish to commit a faux pas by
addressing someone inappropriately.
When I got home, I took out my volume of “Emily Post’s
Etiquette,” which I keep handy for just such an emergency,
and did some research.
Unfortunately, in this instance, the venerable Emily let
me down.
There are pages and pages devoted to correct forms of
address and proper introductions, but none seemed to cover
chance meetings with polite young ladies at mall entranc-
es.
According to Ms. Post, there are all sorts of rules for in-
troductions. These rules take into account factors such as
age, social status, and relationship.
As if that weren’t enough to try to remember, one also has
to be careful to use the correct infl ection when addressing
people or making introductions if one wishes to avoid com-
mitting a gaffe.
Apparently, the correct procedure is that “the more im-
portant name is said with a slightly rising infl ection; the
secondary as a mere statement of fact.”
Unfortunately, that still leaves the problem of determin-
ing which of two acquaintances is more important.
Even if one is able to determine who is more important,
one runs the risk of getting the infl ection wrong, and offend-
ing someone.
I am afraid I was more confused after I completed my
research than I was when I started.
I think I will do all my Christmas shopping online this
year. Not only will I avoid the crowds, but this is the only
way I can be sure to avoid any chance encounters with la-
dies that could lead to unfortunate gaffes I might regret.
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