Then, God did a work of spiritual and emotional healing in me through Christian counseling and a loving, supportive church group. As they prayed scripture over me, God spoke to my heart with comfort and reassurance. Feeling like God had rescued me from a “pit,” I'd regained my trust in His love.
Yet, the current incident with my stepdaughter opened old wounds and fears of inadequacy and failure. It unleashed a storm of conflicting feelings in me with accompanying negative self-talk: “... married only three weeks and already I’ve failed. Whatever made me think God meant Joel 2:25 for me—that he would restore anything in my life? What makes me think I deserve anybody's love?
The fact that my two boys seemed happy to continue visiting us, since the wedding, comforted me some. We went to our friends' home and tried to enjoy the 4th of July party. Sitting on blankets in the back yard, we ate grilled hamburgers and salads. "Look at those dark clouds!” someone exclaimed. “Sure hope the fireworks display won't be canceled." As we visited outwardly, on the inside I kept talking to Jesus.
Lord, it hurts! It's not just that I'm worried about her. I'm also worried about me. Am I a hopeless failure? Will my life ever be right? Have I displeased you so much that you won't work in my life anymore? Am I deceiving myself again?
After the heartbreak of divorce and then of three years “in the pit,” I'd been afraid to love again, to trust again. Yet, while considering remarriage, God reassured me with a "vision." I saw Jesus, Martin, and I dancing around in a circle, laughing. A child joined our circle, then two more, then others, then it was back to the three of us again. Jesus looked happy. This had given me the courage to marry again.
But now, the day after Martin's daughter left, we didn't feel like dancing. Lord, you promised to guide me continually. Have I made a mistake in the way I talked to her?
After eating, Martin and I settled on blankets on the grassy slope above the lake to wait for darkness and the fireworks display. A few sprinkles of rain came down now and then, but not enough to drive us inside. We watched the kids enjoy themselves. "Hey, look at that smoke bomb! Here, let's light this Piccolo Pete."
Suddenly, at dusk, we heard a gasp. "Look! A rainbow above the lake." There we saw the most brilliant rainbow I’d ever seen. "There's two --- a double rainbow!" someone shouted. I jumped up to get a better look. How beautiful it was! And this rainbow was genuine. All at once,
it seemed like God's Spirit spoke in my heart about another rainbow—the promise to Noah. I remembered the scripture in Isaiah 54:9&10:
"For this is like the days of Noah to me: as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you and will not rebuke you. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you," (RSV).
I gazed at the double rainbow in awe. It seemed God was telling me, "It's not your fault your step-daughter ran away. You didn't make a mistake in remarrying. You are now living in my will. My love will strengthen you and be with you whatever comes. You are doubly forgiven. And as long as you follow my guidance, you will have peace."