survey says...
DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST
This just in: we don’t have a clue…
A week after a mysterious boom at 4:21 a.m.
woke up Block Island residents and shook houses,
officials still hadn’t figured out a cause.
This just in: we don’t have a clue,
the sequel…
A Providence EMA port warning siren blasted
through South Providence for almost an hour
before crews managed to turn it off. “There is
no danger, and no action is necessary at this
time,” the PEMA announced to no one in par-
ticular. The malfunctioning electronic siren
was audible for miles.
Just the bare facts, please.
Middletown police arrested a Massachusetts
firefighter after he walked into a 7-Eleven
completely naked and bought a diet soda. He
later told police he did it because his girlfriend
dared him to.
How cheesy.
Rhode Island College students staged a sit-in
to protest the $5.50 cost of a grilled cheese
sandwich. According to one, “It’s been going
on for too long and we are fed up.”
We’ll bring the cocktail sauce.
A woman wearing a black T-shirt and yoga
pants stole roughly $100 in frozen shrimp
from a Cranston Stop and Shop.
We told you smoking isn’t good
for you.
A West Warwick woman’s vaping pen exploded
in her purse, setting it on fire. Said one observer,
“We saw her with black soot all over.”
Only 45 percent of Rhode
Islanders can identify a basic
fruit or vegetable. And
Providence is the country’s
third worst city for dating,
which may explain why it slogs
in at number 87 on the list of
the country’s most fun cities.
On a brighter note, Rhode Island
isn’t the laziest state in the
country, according to WalletHub;
we’re the second laziest.
QUOTABLES!
“Pocahontas and Tonto
have had their day.”
If this doesn’t work, there’s always
the Pity party.
Linc Chafee, a former Republican turned inde-
pendent governor and most recently, a Dem-
ocratic presidential candidate, said he’s
considering another run for president, this time
as a Libertarian. Warwick Sewer Authority board
member Carlo Pisaturo during
a discussion about a planned
sewer project that risked
disturbing ancient graves.
Finally, a reason to like yogurt.
The Chobani company donated almost $50,000
to pay off the lunch bills of Warwick school
children whose parents owed money. Paging
Dr. Pedro!
High there, officer!
State police arrested two New York men who
were caught with ninety-four pounds of mari-
juana in their car on I-95. The driver was also
charged with not wearing his seatbelt.
Never mind.
Just hours after the DMV announced it would
start charging Rhode Islanders a $15 cover
charge to visit the Registry in person, officials
did a 180. “The governor does not support the
walk-in fee and will not be including it in next
year’s budget,” a spokesman said.
House speaker Nick Mattiello
yanked $1 million from this
year’s budget that had been
earmarked to go to
Cranston chiropractor
Victor Pedro for his
experimental brain therapy
program that two dozen
doctors declared scientifi-
cally unproven. Pedro had
received generous grants
from the General Assembly
since 2004, and now the feds
are investigating.
RHODE ISLAND MONTHLY
l JANUARY 2020 55