Portland Center Stage Nov/Dec 2014 | Page 67

KriS: No kidding! Mad is one way to put it. Have you ever seen a saint really, really angry? We are talking plagues of boils, bleeding eyeballs, rabid animal attacks and weather pattern changes. I have to keep it together, pal, to avoid disaster, biblical-style. Crumpet: That actually makes a surprising amount of sense. So, now that you’ve been through your night of transformation, when you’ve sadly passed to the other side, are there any people who aren’t me that you would like to come back and haunt or warn or scare? Crumpet: I have worked with a significant number of people impersonating you. Many of them were soiling your good name. Do you have any quality control over that? SCrooge: [Chuckles jovially] KriS Crumpet: SCrooge: Soiling their pants is more like it! Have you been to a mall? You think I’d let Uncle Chris Creepy show up smelling of bacon and Old Crow to talk to your children about Christmas if I had any control over this thing? Refer to my answer above about our capitalist overlords and their hegemonic drive to control our belief in supernatural holiday personas. Every time one of those losers shows up in a pinkish suit with flakes of croissant in their beards, the elites win. I couldn’t agree with you more