Twaddle Not yet ! Not yet Cecil but that will change when I become the borough ’ s First Citizen . Pickles Twaddle took the little man by the arm . They both supped up and left and it was just in time for at that moment Wild Will Tucker awoke , scratched his gools , wiped his nose and swore vengeance on Glen Campbell for the massacre at Glencoe , before ordering another double-whiskey and dropping off to sleep again .
ON THE VILLAGE GREEN WITH THE PUMP
Pickles I arrived early for the big meeting and my showdown with that little whippet , Cretin . An old cart was propped up on the ‘ Village Green with the Pump ’, with three beer-crates acting as steps . The Village Green with the Pump is Plonkton ’ s answer to Speaker ’ s Corner in London ’ s Hyde Park . Four more beercrates were in the cart and I took them to be seats . Perkin Snipes , a captain in the Army and Navy Stores , was there . He was standing beside that big Scot , we met in the Speakeasy Club , Wild Will Tucker . Tucker , it was said , once sailed on the SS Bloody Reaper - he was a hard man , a deck fighter . The name of ‘ Wild Will Tucker cropped up with such as ‘ The Bull Ferguson ’ and ‘ Sergeant Duncan Buttass ’, in conversations of awesome street fights . Those were the days when big men battled for supremacy on that very spot - the Village Green with the Pump ’. He is known , in these parts , as the man who had a harrowing encounter with the ' Marie Celeste '. The Tinker Street Non-subscribing , Salvation Army Band were gathered around the old cart . They were playing a mixture of ' Danny Boy ' and what bits and pieces of ' Rule Britannia ' they could remember . They referred to themselves as ‘ Non-subscribing ’ because they preferred to sup the money they collected . They were lead by an old Ulsterman , with the name of Billy Gargoyle . Billy Gargoyle played the drum but was also an excellent fiddler . None of the rest of the band had a note in their heads . Billy is also known as ' The man whose memory goes back to 1690 ' A shouting , bellowing , singing , swaying mob of drunken ‘ Cidermen ’ crashed through the doors of the ‘ Cosh and Jemmy ’. They then slopped and smashed their way along Lower Main Street , kicking over bins , deck chairs and lollypop men . They were lead by Olaf Gallowsbird . His pint of scrumpy slopped down his chin , down his jumper and dripped unto the prostrate lollypop men . They congregated around the old cart ' roughing up ' the Tinker Street Non-subscribing , Salvation Army Band , in the process . Gallowsbird Speak your words men ! Speak your words ! Cidermen Duke ! Duke ! We want the Duke . Pickles Marmaduke Twaddle had been putting the finishing touches to himself in the public toilets in Daffodil Place . He came around the corner . He was geared-out in an evening-suit and had a big blue rosette the size of a dinner-plate , hanging over his fat belly . Twaddle waved his stubby little hand as he took exaggerated strides . He walked like that because some one had told him that :’ big men take big strides .’ He stood on a beer-crate , on top of the old cart , taking in the roaring and cheering , which he mistook for adulation . Eventually he put his hand up for silence , but the noisy Cidermen kept on clapping and shouting : Cidermen Duke ! Duke ! We want the Duke . Gallowsbird That is the bleeding Duke ! Stop speaking your words ! Shut your gobs ! Pickles Billy Gargoyle , the Ulsterman , was laying into his big drum at fever pitch . Gallowsbird Billy - Beat the drum slowly . Pickles Big Olaf bawled into the old man ' s lug hole .
Twaddle picked up his loud hailer - a rusty milk jug with the bottom knocked out . The man with the fat ass