ceived the ascendancy rather than the House of Hanover- that is all! You may well have been gazing here today on your monarch had it not been for the old Fourth Earl’ s sad misinterpretation of the message:‘ It’ s going to Hanover- please send some troops’ as:‘ I’ ve got a hangover- please send some soup’ Tucker As close as that? The difference between a wee bowl o ' soup an a war, eh! Freeloader Indeed, indeed Sir. And what has come to light is this: the House of Marm has the royal prerogative of issuing warrants, honours and military awards. But to tell you all about it, I will hand you back to the Duke of Marm. Your Grace. Pickles Basil Freeloader handed back the old enamel; milk jug with the bottom knocked out. Twaddle cleared his throat, but let the smile on his fat chops remain: Twaddle Dear subjects, I intend to exercise my royal prerogative with the issuing of awards to commemorate our finest hour to date, the battle known to us all as the‘ Hammer and Cockroach Push’. Tucker We kicked ya senseless. Twaddle For you Sir, I have reserved a special award, but more of that later. Tucker I canny wait. Pickles The man whose ass bulges out over barstools grinned, as if he was sure of his ground, although, for the life of me, I couldn’ t understand why. Twaddle According to historical rights of‘ Grace and Favour ' and the efforts of my very special friend, Mister Freeloader, here is the list of awards and honours I bestow upon those of my choice: The Crown of Marm( 1st class)- for unparalleled bravery when all the odds are stacked against you; The Crown of Marm( 2nd class)- for conspicuous gallantry and a certain amount of cunning; The Crown of Marm( 3rd class)- for courage, determination and strict control of the bowels in dangerous situations; The Knights Swords- for honourable service and doing your own laundry in battle situations; The Dagger and Star- for sustained pressure; The Serfs Medal( 1st class)- for any movement forward; The Serfs Medal( 2nd. class)- for not running away; The Dodo Gong for causing offence to the House of Marm. My Lord, that ' s myself, ladies and gentlemen. I now ask you to observe a minute’ s silence to commemorate the wounded, especially my brave self, at the‘ Hammer and Cockroach Push’. Pickles The poorly observed, minute’ s silence was followed by the official award ceremony. It started when Davy Brudder went forward and spoke to Billy Gargoyles, the Ulsterman whose memory went back to 1690, and who was the leader of the Tinker Street Non-subscribing Salvation Army Band Brudder Billy, beat the drum slowly, just as each award is announced. Pickles Unfortunately, Billy’ s big drum had been patched up with cello tape and elastic bands and sounded like a cross between a set of bellows and a trapped rat. The‘ Handkerchief of Blood’ was raised on a bent, bamboo cane and fluttered sickly in the breeze. Twaddle The first award- the Crown of Marm, first class- for unparalleled bravery when all the odds are stacked against you, I bestow upon a person I’ ve known throughout all of my illustrious life; I call MISTER BASIL FREELOADER.