Plonkton Beat the Drum Slowly | Page 21

that the six men were to be referred to as SS Men, due to the fact that they were‘ Social Security employees-‘ moonlighting’. Olaf Gallowsbird and the Cidermen must have been supping in the Hammer and Cockroach, in far-off, Railway Terrace for their whooping, bellowing and chanting of repulsive slogans was faint for quite some time but as they slowly got nearer the noise built into a crescendo. The sound of breaking glass and splintering timber mingling with the Tinker Street Non-subscribing Salvation Army Band rendering‘ Its a Long Way to Tipperary’, was sore on the ears. There was so much damage there was a loud hue and cry from the residents for the Plonkton fixer, Chester Capgut. Then came the moment everyone was waiting for: Marmaduke Twaddle emerged. He was dressed out in an evening suit, starched shirt-collar and all. He looked like a cross between an Antarctic penguin and the Michelin man. The Social Security men neatly lined up on either side of the beer-crate steps. Their leader, Davy Brudder, promptly mounted the stage. He took hold of the rusty, milk jug and requested: Brudder Drum Major- Beat the drum slowly. Pickles Then Olaf Gallowsbird took over the loud-hailer: Gallowsbird Speak your words! Clap your hands! Speak your words! Cidermen Duke! Duke! We want the Duke! Gallowsbird Some of you are shouting‘ Duck’. The word is DUKE, a word that rhymes with puke- remember that! Pickles Cecil Cretin’ s pointed little face dropped when he realised the significance of what happened next: Basil Freeloader, the crawler who treated his subordinates with contempt, took unto himself, the pleasure of announcing the‘ Second Coming’: Freeloader Ladies and Gentlemen I give you: Marmaduke Twaddle- THE EIGHTH EARL OF MARM. Pickles That really put the little fat man in the highest of spirits. On his way to the‘ rostrum’ he pushed through the crowd to an old woman he thought was collecting for charity, and popped half-a-crown into her tin. But, it was only Lizzie Juggins holding out one of the chipped shaving-mugs for it to be filled with scrumpy. Juggins Yer a great wee marmalade man. God bless yer wee fat bum. Pickles Squawked the lady with no obvious independent means. Then the Cidermen became a bit unruly: Cidermen Bugger the Earl! Bugger the bloody Earl. We want the Duke! Bring on the Duke! There’ ll be no scrumpy without the Duke. Gallowsbird That is the bleeding Duke! That man with the sloppy jaws is the Duke! Don’ t speak anymore of those words. Put your hands over your gobs and keep them there till the scrumpy arrives. Pickles Marmaduke Twaddle had no sooner grabbed the rusty loud-hailer than Penelope Kirkspringer, the Gazette reported, shouted at him: Kirkspringer I’ m of Scottish descent! How do you think the native population of Scotland is going to react to your banishment plan? Twaddle Simple! We will prevent the return by the expelled members of that uncouth race by repairing and extending the height of Hadrian ' s wall. Kirkspringer
And of course we Scots would just take that peacefully?