BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY ( Episode 1 )
BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY ( Episode 1 )
AT THE SPEAK EASY CLUB
Pickles I ' m Fabian Pickles , the proprietor of a less-than-fashionable joint called the Speakeasy Club . I live in Plonkton , a town full of nut-cases , bums , drunks , con-men and crooks . My story is about a little fat-ass , know-itall called Marmaduke Twaddle . By a strange twist in fate , Twaddle almost became England ’ s answer to Adolph Hitler . Had it not been for a series of blunders , miscalculations and no short measure of gross stupidity we could all have been living in a Nazi state , well , us in Plonkton at least . My story starts in the Speakeasy Club , in the year 1963 , where Marmaduke Twaddle was boasting to his little mate , Cecil Cretin . As a young man Cretin worked for the NSPCC but was turfed out on his ear when he was caught stealing their milk and has worked in the public toilets , in Daffodil Place , ever since . Twaddle When I gain ascendancy in this town I ' ll send those people back to where they came from . Pickles He pointed his pipe shank in the direction of a big , rough , Scot best known as Wild Will Tucker , who was sipping whisky at the far side of the bar , but he kept his voice low enough not to catch the attention of the big man . Cretin The Scotch , you mean Duke ? Pickles Twaddle likes to be called ‘ Duke ’ and Cretin always tries to please his gaffer . Twaddle The Scots will find themselves behind Hadrian ’ s Wall again when I reach Downing Street , just you wait and see , young man . Cretin Of course you are right Marmaduke , but would you not send back the Irish too , this place is coming down with Paddy Pricks ? Twaddle Deportation of Irish citizens would top my agenda . Cretin Brilliant Marmaduke ? Where would you send them to ? Twaddle The Paddies , err Irish , would be unceremoniously dispatched to the Falls Road in Belfast . Cretin Oh ! My goodness me ! You really are a man of action . Pickles Cecil Cretin pushed his empty glass forward for a refill . I feel sick every time I have to serve him . That little worm would agree with anything that Twaddle said , just to get another free drink . Cretin Do they call it the Falls Road because people keep falling over because Paddies are always drunk , Duke ? Twaddle No , my young man : had you been gifted with my inspiration and undisputed intellectual ability you would be aware that the road was christened in the late eighteenth centaury after a refuge for fallen women which was graciously donated by that great Englishman with a conscience , Oliver Cromwell . Cretin My Aunt Lilly says you have a great historical brain , Duke . Twaddle And your Aunt Lilly , whoever she may be , is correct in her assertions , I can assure you . Cretin Would you let the Taffy Turds stay for they get sick if they are moved about too much ?