Plonkton Beat the Drum Slowly

BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY( Episode 1)

AT THE SPEAK EASY CLUB

Pickles I ' m Fabian Pickles, the proprietor of a less-than-fashionable joint called the Speakeasy Club. I live in Plonkton, a town full of nut-cases, bums, drunks, con-men and crooks. My story is about a little fat-ass, know-itall called Marmaduke Twaddle. By a strange twist in fate, Twaddle almost became England’ s answer to Adolph Hitler. Had it not been for a series of blunders, miscalculations and no short measure of gross stupidity we could all have been living in a Nazi state, well, us in Plonkton at least. My story starts in the Speakeasy Club, in the year 1963, where Marmaduke Twaddle was boasting to his little mate, Cecil Cretin. As a young man Cretin worked for the NSPCC but was turfed out on his ear when he was caught stealing their milk and has worked in the public toilets, in Daffodil Place, ever since. Twaddle When I gain ascendancy in this town I ' ll send those people back to where they came from. Pickles He pointed his pipe shank in the direction of a big, rough, Scot best known as Wild Will Tucker, who was sipping whisky at the far side of the bar, but he kept his voice low enough not to catch the attention of the big man. Cretin The Scotch, you mean Duke? Pickles Twaddle likes to be called‘ Duke’ and Cretin always tries to please his gaffer. Twaddle The Scots will find themselves behind Hadrian’ s Wall again when I reach Downing Street, just you wait and see, young man. Cretin Of course you are right Marmaduke, but would you not send back the Irish too, this place is coming down with Paddy Pricks? Twaddle Deportation of Irish citizens would top my agenda. Cretin Brilliant Marmaduke? Where would you send them to? Twaddle The Paddies, err Irish, would be unceremoniously dispatched to the Falls Road in Belfast. Cretin Oh! My goodness me! You really are a man of action. Pickles Cecil Cretin pushed his empty glass forward for a refill. I feel sick every time I have to serve him. That little worm would agree with anything that Twaddle said, just to get another free drink. Cretin Do they call it the Falls Road because people keep falling over because Paddies are always drunk, Duke? Twaddle No, my young man: had you been gifted with my inspiration and undisputed intellectual ability you would be aware that the road was christened in the late eighteenth centaury after a refuge for fallen women which was graciously donated by that great Englishman with a conscience, Oliver Cromwell. Cretin My Aunt Lilly says you have a great historical brain, Duke. Twaddle And your Aunt Lilly, whoever she may be, is correct in her assertions, I can assure you. Cretin Would you let the Taffy Turds stay for they get sick if they are moved about too much?