Playtimes HK Magazine September 2018 Issue | Page 38
features
car, or selecting a movie or family meal.
Letting all children have a say reduces
any feelings of favouritism and helps
children to appreciate their differences.
Another key strategy is ensuring
each child gets one-on-one time with
a parent. Lucy Nightingale is a qualified
instructor in parent effectiveness
training (P.E.T.), using methods devised
by psychologist Dr Thomas Gordon to
assist families to communicate more
effectively. Lucy explains that, “a better
and deeper connection with the parent
diminishes sibling rivalry, because
the scarce resource of your time and
attention is no longer so scarce.”
Justine agrees that this special time is
really important. “It doesn’t need to be
an overnight trip; just saying that you’re
going to pick them up from school so
you can have some time together can
be enough.”
Lucy also suggests that helping
children to enjoy each others’
company is vital. “Find activities they
both enjoy doing or set up a project
they can work on together – planning
a family outing, decorating gran’s
birthday card etc., then as much
as possible leave them to it.” Lucy
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believes a common mistake made
by parents is to routinely separate
children and set them up with activities
independently. “This may work in the
short term, but only to the detriment
of the sibling bond.” To bolster this
bond, Lucy also encourages families
to “make it a nightly ritual for siblings to
say goodnight and I love you to each
other. You need to give siblings the
chance to create strong bonds of love
and friendship.”
The biggest no-no when it comes to
siblings is comparison. Hands up if you
are guilty of this one! Highlighting that one
child is better at football than the other,
or that one child is a more adventurous
eater may seem harmless, but can add
fuel to the sense of competition. “It’s
hard, but we’ve got to be careful to see
them as individuals and focus on their
strengths and what they each bring to the
team,” explains Justine. Think carefully
about how you word compliments.
Managing conflicts when they arise
Unfortunately the first lesson for parents
is acceptance. Believing that siblings
should always get along is only going to
lead to frustration. The second lesson
is a tough one too – you have to try to
keep your cool and be the parent; don’t
get drawn into shouting matches.
A particularly damaging mistake is
“getting involved in conflicts in a way
that causes children to feel parents
are taking sides,” Lucy says. Rushing
in when you don’t have all the facts
can destroy your child’s trust in you –
parents don’t always see what might
have led up to a particular incident.
“When you hear your child talking to
a sibling in a way you do not like, or
using physical force to get what they
want, parents will often punish that
child. This will only increase sibling
rivalry and feelings of ill will.” Lucy
points out that, “when a child comes
to you with a complaint, often they
are not looking for punishment for the
perpetrator, just someone who will
understand their upset that things have
gone differently to how they pictured.
Listen to your child’s hurt and reflect
back how you think they are feeling,
i.e. ‘Max said you couldn’t join in with
the game. That’s hurt your feelings
and you feel left out.’ Many times this
understanding will be enough for the
child to rush back to their game.”