If you don’t know the answers to specific questions, you can say, “I don’t know, but we can call some people who can help us with those answers.” These professionals can guide you and your friend by helping figure out things like living wills and advance directives and explaining the things that might happen as death gets closer.
Hospice staff members are used to answering these questions, and they are skilled in doing it in a supportive, caring way. Hospice gives expert, compassionate care for people with advanced disease. We have more about end-of-life issues or hospice care that may be helpful. We also have information on living wills, advanced cancer, and caring for the cancer patient at home.
Your friend may ask, “Why is this happening to me?” It’s very hard to hear this question because there's no answer. And it can be heart-wrenching to feel the pain that lies within questions like this. In most cases, the simple answer is “I don’t know.” Holding your friend’s hand and letting them cry or talk about their sadness and regrets is the best you can do. Allowing a person to do this is a true help because many people avoid the subject of dying and won’t allow themselves to share this pain.
Some people who know they’re going to die feel the need to get some things off their chests. They may want to talk about some of the things they did in their life that they’re not proud of or that they regret. They may want to apologize for these things. They may want to give you advice about the lessons they learned or instructions about what to do for them in the future. Respectfully listening and, of course, offering forgiveness and a loving attitude are often all that’s necessary. There are no magic words for the dying person, but often your presence is all that’s needed, and having an open heart is priceless.