Ask FondA
FondA
experience, Grindr is just a series of pictures of boys’ abs.
But I really wouldn’t worry about it – you’re gay! Most of
us have had each other at some point. Whenever I’ve
performed at a gay wedding I’ve realised that most of
the men in the room met via a hook-up that didn’t go
any further and just became drinking buddies. So
essentially a gay wedding is usually a room full of men
that have all had each other, celebrating the fact that
two of them got a mortgage.
Relax, your situation is not unusual – just don’t get too
drunk at the reception. No groom would ever think a
threesome with his cousin is a good way to spend their
wedding night.
DEAR FONDA , we’re getting married next month and
my fiancée has no idea that I’m ten years older than
her. There’s nothing wrong with a little white lie is
there?
Dear Saggy One, there is no shame in being ten years
older. Unless you have Peter Pan genitalia she’s bound to
realise – nature has a way of causing things to sag as we
get older. The ‘surgical tape and fishing wire to all your
loose bits’ approach only tends to work for the Tinder
photos – beyond that, a night of passion tends to dispel
all myths when foreplay causes her to make a cat’s
cradle with your support systems.
Being the older one is a great position to be in, if she
genuinely doesn’t realise there’s an age gap. When
things start going grey you can blame it on the stress
caused by being married to her, which will instantly
make her try to be nicer to you at all times. And if you
truly want to look youthful, the best way to achieve this
is by spending the rest of your married life on your back
– everything slides backwards, reducing the effects of
ageing skin. And what could possibly lead to a more
successful marriage than spending every moment
together in bed?
‘Dear Fonda, My fiancé
wants his cousin to be
best man but I’ve
discovered he’s already
been my “best man” on
Grindr. What's the
etiquette in this situation?’
DEAR FONDA , I've just stopped my husband-to-be
from serving pizza at our wedding. Should I risk a
downward slide into married life with him?
Dear Crusty, there’s no shame in pizza at a wedding –
think of the money you’ll save. Most people are sick to
death of prawn cocktail or melon, followed by a bland
chicken dish and a Black Forest finale. And don’t get me
started on the game of Russian roulette most people play
during their welcome drink, where they hire 16-year-olds
to wander round with trays of vol-au-vents. No one knows
what they’re filled with until it’s too late and you find
yourself using Pimm’s or champagne as a mouthwash to
try to get rid of the taste of pickled herring.
This man is clearly economical and practical. And just
think – if you let him have his way, with the money you
save on catering you could hire some top-class
entertainer for your evening do instead. I believe you
might find one at www.fondacox.com!
The one and only Fonda Cox is available for hire –
email: [email protected]
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