I sit there for about 20 minutes , absent mindedly rocking myself back and forth , my arms holding my legs tightly to my chest , my face buried in my knees . I can feel my breathing getting sharper and shorter , and I unfurl from my ball . I set my feet down on the cold floor , and my foot begins to bounce . I lean forward , put my elbows on my knees , and begin to scratch the back of my neck . This isn ’ t good . I can ’ t panic now . I try to breath more slowly , but that only makes my heart beat faster . I stand up and start to pace , back and forth , back and forth . I need to think straight . They will be coming in to talk to me any minute now , and they can ’ t see me in this state . That would only bring them more concern , and hence drive them even further into my already violated privacy .
I turn to look at the posters on my wall , and run my finger down the laminated surface . « Mandible , maxilla , zygomatic bone … » I say under my breath , reciting all the bones in the skeletal system . That always calms me down . I love to think how effectively everything works together in the body , and that logic relaxes me . My breathing begins to slow , so I close my eyes and take a deep breath . I pull myself away from the wall to tidy up my room , throwing the trash and spare papers in the bin and straightening the stacks of books . I crack a window to let in the fresh air .
As I am doing that , I hear a knock on the door . I freeze , not moving a muscle . There it is again . I hear the same voice that greeted me earlier asking to come in . I give my head a swift shake and approach the door . Inhale deeply , exhale , and turn the doorknob . The second I do , I see the faces of the two women looking at me . They push their way in , not waiting for my permission . I follow them , pulling the door shut behind me . I walk past them and stand behind my chair . With a slight slouch , I tuck my right arm behind my back and grab ahold of my other elbow . They look at me expectantly , as if they are waiting for me to say something , but I won ’ t . I won ’ t talk first . They have to make the first move . The loud one makes eye contact with me , but I don ’ t look away . I could do this all day . All I feel is anger , and I wish I could make them disappear .
Finally , the one on the left introduces herself to be Amy , and offers her hand . I don ’ t take it . Undeterred , she introduces the taller woman as Mary , who ’ s face breaks out into a wide grin . I glare at her in unearned disgust , but I can ’ t shake the sick feeling inside me . I push it down further , though , And offer a nod of my head . Amy begins to ask the standard questions , what does Peyton do when he gets mad , what do I do , and what do my parents do . They ask about my therapy , and I tell the usual lie that it helps me a lot , and they seem pleased . Then she asks me a question I haven ’ t heard before . « How is the mental health situation in your family ? » I pause for a minute , and my face falls into neutral . She repeats the question , and I answer with a simple , « fine , » hoping to move on . But she doesn ’ t . She pushes forward , apparently taking the hint but not caring . Not wanting to make them suspicious as to why I am reluctant to answer , I elaborate .