“This is where we get a lot of shame. People become
really unhappy because they have unrealistic
expectations to live up to,” Winkel says.
Research suggests that children, who grow up to be
happier adults, are encouraged early on to engage in
activities that they enjoy and that help them develop
their strengths.
Foster their innate sense of curiosity and explore a
variety of activities with your kids, ranging from hobbies
to volunteer work. The intrinsic rewards of participating
in activities that deliver personal gratification contribute
to positive self-esteem and confidence.
They eat together. Multiple research studies show
that eating dinner together can lower the incidence of
substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression.
Kids who dine with their parents are more likely to have
higher grade point averages, higher self-esteem and
even stronger vocabularies. If possible, turn off the TV
and put aside electronics to be in the moment around
your dinner table with your family.
“Sometimes we forget that life needs to be simple. It’s
ok to sit around the table and have dinner together. In
the quest for bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, we forget
to simply be still,” Jackson-Rice says. “We forget to
simply connect…to be with our kids.”
They show affection. Families today face plenty of
stress. One simple antidote is to hug more.
“An eight-second hug is one of the best ways to give
and get self-care,” Winkel says. “An eight-second hug
releases oxytocin and great feel-good, stress-relieving
hormones. Hug your babies. Hug your kids. Hug your
partner.”
Hon’s youngsters show affection for people who visit
them by blowing kisses and waving goodbye when it’s
time for their visitors to depart.
“From an adult perspective, I know we’re expressing
gratitude and making people feel loved and valued and
that makes me really happy,” Hon says. "There’s nothing
like getting kisses blown to you from a two-year-old
from the street!”
They goof off. Play and laugh together. “Then, your
kids get to experience you as human,” Winkel says.
Sing together in the car, make up zany songs when it’s
time to brush teeth, exchange riddles or jokes, jam to
funky music in your living room, or make a funny face to
defuse a tense situation.
Manage power struggles playfully. Is your preschooler
refusing to get dressed? Respond by dramatically trying
to put their clothes on. “It helps them lighten up a little
bit. We don’t have to be all serious all of the time,”
Winkel says.
Also, follow your child’s lead. Play dolls, Legos or craft
together. If your child likes to bike ride, explore new
trails together. Schedule a family board game night or
play video games together.
Jackson-Rice says her two teens love Snapchat so she
signed up for the app too.
“They love it when I’m snapping a picture of what I’m
doing. It’s a little silly for me, but that’s the way they
connect and what they’re passionate about right now,”
she says.
They create community. Not all parents can rely on
their family of origin to provide positive emotional
and practical support. If this is the case for you, focus
on building friendships through your neighborhood,
church, or your child’s school.
The Hons rely on a family of “adopted” aunts, uncles,
grandmas, and grandpas to help them with their
youngsters, which also helps them nurture their
marriage.
“My kids go to the zoo all of the time with a little set
of aunties that we have,” Hon says. “That’s their thing.
That allows my husband and I to have quiet time in our
house or quality time out.”
They honor emotions. Empathize with your child when
they’re upset, listen and validate their feelings and
verbally label their emotions. Avoid taking your child’s
behavior personally or rushing to fix their problems.
Given the opportunity, kids can often peacefully
problem-solve and negotiate with siblings and
playmates without parental interference.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, kids
who learn to self-soothe move through negative
emotions faster. These same kids also tend to form
stronger friendships, which is another key to long-term
happiness.
Reflective Conversation Starters
What was the highlight of your day?
Did anything in your day make you sad/happy/angry, etc?
What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
F L A G L E R parent M A G A Z I N E | 15