Chlidren raising siblings
Living life as a pseudo-parent can be tiring, challenging and alienating.
It's 2016 and we live in a society where it is not uncommon for older children to raise their siblings, but how are they managing this task and why? Some factors could be that both parents work, daycare may be too expensive, and one sibling is old enough to stay at home and watch the children. This, of course, is ideal for some families. There is definitely a possibility that the older sibling has been given the heavy responsibility of being a pseudo-parent. We can even look at this from an even grimmer standpoint. It is also probable that the parent may constantly be traveling for work or working long hours. There could even be much darker issues like neglect, mental health or substance abuse issues within the home that may limit their ability to parent. In this situation, the parent can no longer adequately provide care for the children, assist them with their homework, complete laundry, make dinner, etc. How many more responsibilities are then delegated back to the older sibling? No matter which way you look at it, it is going to be tough for the older child. The responsibilities of the parent now fall on their shoulders. Any young adult would find their world turned upside down by having to become a pseudo-parent. That is not even the whole picture, though there is also the side of the siblings being parented by a "pretender parent." A pretender parent can be described as a figurehead of the household. Although, they are the parent, they don't actually assume any of the parental responsibilities.
In an interview conducted by NPR on 11/12/2012 clinical child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute, Dr. Vicki Panaccione spoke briefly about the conflicts between older youths assuming parental roles and the younger siblings that are coping with the change. Dr. Vicki clearly stated that there could be animosity between
the siblings due to this paradigm shift. Anyone
who has had a bossy, older sibling knows exactly what that feels like. "She is not my mom and he is not my dad" are usually the thoughts of retaliation that come to mind, especially when the youth-parent is trying to create order within the household.
Let's take a closer look at an example of who gave this youth-parent the authority to be the parent? Also, where are their real parents? The actual youth who took care of her siblings in the interview, Kathy Borkowski, not only had to deal with those conflicts but also her own. Kathy had made a shift from being a regular high school student to being the parent of her two brothers and one sister, ages 14, 10, and 13 respectively. While most of her peers were focusing on normal teenage things like prom and graduation, she had to consider more adult things like employment and putting food on the table. This kind of disparity often alienates people. When you have less in common with your peers, there is a type of disassociation that occurs. In the case of Ms. Borkowski, it was difficult when suddenly both of her parents had passed. It caused a chain reaction of hardship and struggle. Not only were there conflicts between the siblings, but additionally Kathy became frustrated and wanted her teenage life back. She felt left out and inadequate around her peers and other adults. What about the dynamic between the parents of her siblings’ friends? In instances, she may have felt that they were judging and challenging her in many ways. The adults that Kathy encountered may have been uncertain about her competency because of her age and inexperience. All of these things can further cause the young woman to become more isolated.
It seems like the responsibility of youths raising siblings is a premature burden that is is unexpected in today’s society and the effects are harsh.
By W.J Loesener