13 | OutBoise Magazine | NEWS
Unless we’re speaking the same
language, it’s unlikely that a relationship
is going to be long lasting or fulfilling.
Communication is always key to relationships, but many people I’ve met seem to
have a “boyfriend” voice, and a “friend”
voice.
One of my ex-boyfriends pointed
this out to me, and I have spent a long
time trying to avoid this particular pittrap. We all communicate differently,
and depending on the circumstances that
communication can be efficient, useless,
or somewhere in the grey area. Most of
my communication is in the grey area,
because I tended to listen more critically
when I am listening to a boyfriend than I
do when I’m listening to a friend. Knowing this horrendous little habit of mine
has made it a lot easier to open up my
communication channels so that I’m not
constantly interpreting more into the
conversation than is actually there.
The various levels of communication are important to know, simply so
that you can tell the difference between
“I need me time,” and “I hope you die in
a fire,” when your partner says they don’t
want to go out to dinner on Thursday.
Being able to separate yourself from the
relationship is a pivotal skill that I find
many people struggle with, and the best
way I have found to maintain your own
identity while in a relationship is to have
clearly defined goals that involve (but do
not require) your partner.
Knowing who you are, what you
want, and how you plan to accomplish
those goals while single will benefit yourself if you do find someone you want to
date. Working together to achieve separate goals is important; someone who
finds fulfillment by raising a family is not
going to be content in a relationship with
someone who wants to pursue a career
out of state unless some serious commitments and conscious compromises are
made. By knowing what will make you
happy in life, it is much easier to seek out
someone of the same long term needs
.
OutBoise.com | Issue 4.2 | February 2015
As with any life, changes happen
constantly, and today’s long term goals
may not be tomorrow’s; but if you are
able to talk about these goals openly
and honestly with your partner as they
progress, it will be much easier to change
with each other instead of sacrificing the
important things in your lives. Not just
this, but if you are clearly outlining
boundaries for your life, you’ll also be
able to outline boundaries for you relationships as well.
These last few questions will assist you in understanding what you need
for a relationship to be functional as well
as fulfilling. It strikes me as important
along with everything else to make sure
that what you consider a functional and
healthy relationship is well understood by
both parties. We seem to assume that
things like marriage, children,
monogamy, and two people working full
time are the basis of relationships, but
many of those things are as outdated as
the gender-role assignments that society
has forced into the relationship dynamic.
What’s really important about your relationship is that you are happy with your
partner(s) in it. Negotiating your expectations for behavior can be tricky to time
in a budding relationship, but making
sure that your needs and boundaries are
clear will prevent heart-breaking miscommunications.
These questions should help you
better define your expectations in a relationship, and hopefully provide yourself
with some clarity on your own needs as
well. Do I care about monogamy? Do I
want to get married? How many children
do I want to raise? What does it mean to
be faithful in a relationship? Is sex important to me? What kind’ve sex to I want
out of my partner?
Sex is a huge factor in relationships. I hear so often from couples seeking
more adventurous sex because they bore
each other, they just aren’t attracted to
one another anymore, but don’t want to
lose the emotional connection they share.
Reaching out to a professional (not a
hooker, I mean a counselor), regardless of
your relationship status, is a great way to
invite some fresh ideas into your life. Finally, remember not to rush. Being single
has so many fewer stigma attached these
days, and you can always reassure your
single self with the disappointments of
Grindr if you ever get too caught up in
the Valentine’s Day boyfriend envy.
Ezikiel Coy works full time as a Spiritual Guide, helping people to heal
through via their energetic connection to
the divine. Using more than 14 years experience as a professional Tarot reader,
Spiritual Healer, and Priest, he provides
an advice column and several other writing projects for OutBoise. If you have an
advice question, please email him at [email protected]
Photos courtesy Paul Budge, Budge
Photography.