12 | OutBoise Magazine | NEWS
OutBoise.com | Issue 4.2 | February 2015
Season of the
Singles
by: Ezikiel Coy
There is an old cliche–
that you can’t find love until you learn to
love yourself. I call bull. There are tons of
miserable people I know who seem to
have found their soulmate against all
odds. There are tons of happy people I
have met who enjoy being single, even.
There seems to be an all too prevalent
expectation that “single” somehow
means “incomplete,” or even “desperate.”
Being single doesn’t mean that
you should be relegated to disingenuous
and often corrupt conceptions of what it
means to be single. Everyone has their
own way of living, whether you are single
or in a relationship, it is most important
to understand how to treat yourself with
respect and dignity. Today, more than
ever, in the age of online dating and easy
hookups one needs to have a clear understanding of ourselves in conjunction
with the world around us.
There are several great habits
and traits that one can work on while
single that will also lead to a more stable
and balanced life while in a relationship.
It all begins with self awareness, which
seems like a “duh” moment to most people; however, defining yourself is one of
the most difficult things for a person to
realistically do. It’s not just about what
you’ve been through, and what you’ve
accomplished. Self awareness extends to
your goals, dreams, and needs from another person as well. Looking back over
your previous relationships to honestly
understand why they haven’t worked
can be painful, but those moments of
heartache are probably the best teachers.
When looking at your experiences, try to answer the following questions: What traits do you bring to a
relationship? How do those traits mani-
fest themselves when you are dating
someone? How do you communicate
with your friends, versus how you communicate with your dates? What are the
differences between a relationship and a
friendship? How do you tell someone you
love them? What tells you that someone
loves you?
These last two questions are possibly the trickiest (at least for me) because they directly address the ways that
we as lovers communicate. I find myself
doing little things in relationships that
communicate how I feel. Like working
my schedule differently so that we can
spend more time together, letting the
person I’m dating have quiet time alone,
keeping my promises, cooking for them,
touching them when we pass, that sort of
thing. These are things that I am extraattentive about when I’m in a relationship, and those little gestures are my
non-verbal cues to them that I care.
Everyone has their own language for this,
and knowing yours isa great way to
know what you need out of a relationship. For instance, I need someone who
responds to politeness, is a physical communicator, and respects my own boundaries. I know this, because that is my
language.