The illusion of control : after seven plus years of getting my Ph . D ., I was the type of person who believed that if I set a goal for myself and worked hard enough , I would achieve it . My success was in my control . Perhaps true for academia . Not true at all for life . Particularly not true for childbirth or children . In the words of my late best friend , Ryan , I prepared for my first childbirth and parenting the way I prepared for final exams . I read , studied , reread , and felt that when the time came , I would get an A . I always had . I prepared for a natural childbirth at a birthing center , preferably in the water , with no artificial pain medicine . I imagined deep relaxation and visualization , natural endorphins and oxytocin . All culminating with my child entering the world through the birth canal and being placed directly to my chest , skin to skin , where we would breastfeed for the first time and bond as mother and child . While I began labor at the birth center , I ended up with a hospital transfer and ultimately a c-section . Although I had done “ everything right ” in prepping for my birth , the way my baby came was out of my control . I felt I had failed .
Rigid , perfectionistic thinking : After the c- section I was still determined to parent the way I had planned , and for me this was in accordance with attachment parenting principles . I viewed the attachment parenting approach to be all-or-nothing and I was very inflexible about altering my plan . I wanted to breastfeed to satisfy all of my baby ’ s sucking needs which meant I was against using a pacifier . Again , nature was out of my control . My daughter cried all the . time . No matter how much time she spent at the breast , she cried . My nipples were cracked and bruised and to boot , the pediatrician informed me my daughter wasn ’ t gaining weight . Another perceived failure .
Self-sacrificing parenting approach : Although we eventually had to supplement with formula for my daughter ’ s sake , I still ran myself into the ground to keep our breastfeeding relationship going . I began to believe that I could survive on four hours of sleep a night . Every time my husband gave her a bottle , I got up to pump to keep up my milk supply . My days were spent breastfeeding , trying ( usually unsuccessfully ) to get my crying daughter to sleep , and pumping . The joy was sucked out of new motherhood and my focus became doing whatever I had to , no matter the cost on my body , to breastfeed her . Remember , I was recovering from surgery as well . The lack of sleep took a hefty toll on me emotionally .
It is estimated that postpartum mental health disorders affect 20 % of parents . Among the risk factors I named , others include a history of depression or anxiety , death of a family member , birth trauma , miscarriages , infertility , abortions , unwanted pregnancy , losses , changes in job / location , infant temperament , number of children , and medical problems of baby or parent . Be aware of your own risk factors , and particularly be aware of the thinking errors where I struggled that may enhance your risk . In the end , I was still able to breastfeed , but I needed to be open to formula supplementation too , because I didn ’ t make enough milk . This was due to a variety of factors ( which I may cover in a later article ), but the key was accepting that it wasn ’ t my fault . Nature is out of our control . I had to accept that my baby ’ s temperament was difficult , and that I could not physically or mentally soothe her at the breast all the time . Pacifiers were not the devil . They helped everyone ’ s sanity . Finally , I learned that self-sacrificing myself for my child was not healthy for me or for her . I deserved a better life than that , and she deserved a mom that modeled self-care . She would learn how to treat herself based on how I treated myself , not how I treated her .
It ’ s 2.5 weeks into my second daughter ’ s life and so far , no relapse in depression . Our whole family is happier with a more flexible parenting approach , a roll with the punches attitude , and a valuing of mom ’ s sleep as paramount . Going to therapy was a big part of my recovery . A therapist can help you identify your own thinking errors and risk factors and how to combat them . If you are in the Boston metro area and are looking for perinatal ( pregnancy ) support or postpartum support , I will be back to work May 1 , 2016 . I can be contacted via drbarbfritts @ gmail . com . Otherwise , look for my article next month on breastfeeding vs . bottle feeding .
Written by - Barbara Fritts
Photography credit - Samantha Scoppetto samanthascoppettophotography . com