On the Coast – Over 55 Issue 34 I March/February 2020 | Page 9

needs and desires; understand the motivations and fears; empathise, find compassion and be in connection. When we can acknowledge the feelings we can see, hear and know someone’s truth without having to argue who is right.....it is just about being in ‘right relationship’. There is something powerful to know and understand how being in ‘right relationship’ with our loved ones while they are alive can help us to continue to be in ‘right relationship’ with our loved one after death. For fathers and sons, traversing the child to teen to young adult to man is a wild rollercoaster. There is an essential separation and differentiation that must occur and sometimes during the individuation and the making of a man there is a battle of strength and power as each asserts their place in the world. This can leave hurts and create a distance that may never truly repair if there is not a conscious effort to ‘re-meet’ each other and ‘re-find’ each other as men in the world. All families and the constellation of relationships within – parents, children and siblings – go through many evolutions of growth and change. This is still true into our adult years. There are powerful patterns at play, and those ‘roles’ we play in families are hard to break. When a child becomes a parent themselves however, and participates in their own family of creation triumphs and challenges, this can often be a turning point for insight and compassion towards our parents and siblings. For one of my funeral family brothers, he did ‘re-meet and re-find’ his dad in the latter years of his life, taking care of his needs into old age, managing his nursing home and health day-to-day and finding new relationship with him. He said in his last few years his father softened and gentled and in their conversations “he got to know the man.” As a result, his grief found its natural intensity and expression. He could find the joy, the gratitude and the celebration for his father in the midst of his sadness. For his older brother, the body slam of big hard feelings of hurt, resentment and regret created a red mist of anger that almost derailed the funeral. Essential to the negotiations for the funeral arrangements ever moving forwards to agreement and a good outcome was to acknowledge the truth of his feelings as real and right. Bringing gentle compassion and understanding to those feelings was the first step to connection. The measure of both men was they did give witness to each other’s feelings, they could meet each other in that mutual space and stay connected and work together. They arrived at their father’s funeral safely and brought great honour to their dad. And there was a lot of feeling in that ceremony. Good feelings. Lots of love. Sarah Tolmie assists people to celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. Her practice focuses on love & relationships, families & children; life success & fulfilment, illness, death & grief. As an Holistic Celebrant Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. Sarah is also a Marriage Therapist, Bespoke Funeral Director and End-of-Life Consultant. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love. Under new management DAY TOURS Bingo Afloat! CALL TODAY FOR YOUR FREE HOLIDAY BROCHURE P 02 4325 8000 WED 1 APR 2020 Shop 5A Gosford Central Plaza 153 Mann Street Gosford Sydney Royal Easter Show SAT 4 APR 2020 www.itseasytours.com.au Vivid & Buffet Dinner Cruise [email protected] • • • • Charters Corporate Day Tours Extended Tours SAT 30 MAY 2020 5 Day South Coast Batemans Bay Plus more 8 Day Toowoomba Departing 19 Oct 2020 Carnival of Flowers $1250pp Providing luxury coach services for every occasion Twin Share Departing 17 Sept 2020 $2270pp Twin Share MARCH/APRIL – ISSUE 34 9