On the Coast – Over 55 Issue 34 I March/February 2020 | Page 8

Fathers & Sons
BY SARAH TOLMIE
T
he other week, in my capacity as
an holistic funeral celebrant, I had
to sensitively mediate two adult
brothers, as they navigated the death of
their father and plan his funeral.
It was painful to witness them in such
pain. The pain at the loss of their father
was further amplified by the distance
they had had from each other as brothers
and the distance the eldest brother had
from his father.
There were so many losses not
dealt with even before the death. Lost
relationship. Lost time. Lost opportunities
for connection. The pain of lost
relationship had started well before the
death occurred, and so when the father
died its tragedy and finality could no
longer be avoided.
This is the thing with death, death is
like the sword of truth that cuts through
everything and we can no longer run
from our feelings and pain. Whatever
8
ON T H E C OA S T – OV ER 5 5
the story is that we have
wrapped around our hard
feelings, our feelings do
speak a truth we cannot
avoid. Whatever feelings
about a relationship we
have denied, avoided,
diminished or suppressed
will finally slam into us like
a freight train at the last
breath.
It made me reflect on
the relationships of men and specifically
fathers and sons. It can be such a complex
one made even more difficult by the
enculturation of men to ‘not feel’ to be
‘stoic’ and ‘strong’ and ‘invulnerable’ to
their feelings.
We have done men such a disservice
to enable this myth of invulnerability as
being manly because I know from my
work as a relationship therapist; feelings
are the currency of relationship. It takes
amazing strength to stay with the
feelings, but it is worth it. Feelings are
the truest and fastest way to create
connection, intimacy and trust. Not
just for intimate romantic-love based
relationships, but for ALL relationships.
Feelings are the ‘back-stage passes’
into the inner world of our loved ones.
When we learn to read the map of
their inner landscape we can begin to
understand them; understand their