On the Coast – Over 55 Issue 31 I September/October 2019 | Page 11
and pain; and most distressing, is the
unnecessary trauma and distress families
experience after a death has occurred.
In particular, when the after-death
care rituals are rushed and clumsily done,
I am anguished. I know opportunities for
healing, gentling into grief and intimate
loving connection will be missed.
The soul needs more time than the
brain to process a death. We think we
have to act fast and dispose of the body
quickly. Hospitals, nursing homes and
funeral directors are notorious for rushing
this process. We think we need to ‘get
over’ the funeral quickly so we can grieve
– or get back to life. However my
experience suggests the complete opposite.
We need time. We need time with our
beloved. We need a slower and gentler
separation from the physical body. We
need to slow things down. We need to
be involved in each phase and be gently
held and stepped through the process.
To do this however requires families
having conversations. It needs families
being willing to discuss their death and
funeral plans and being supported to
articulate their fears, needs and desires.
This is still not the norm.
We should know better and do better.
It is not such a stretch of practicality
as 70% of deaths are predicted and
anticipated through illness, age and
chronic disease, although when the
time death arrives, most people are
unprepared. This significantly amplifies
distress, grief and trauma.
The other thing that troubles me in
this work is the abyss of the aftermath.
Not only are people unprepared for the
physical, relational and spiritual aspects
of dying, the practicalities of what needs
to happen after a loved one/partner dies
is often not often anticipated.
Being prepared does not put a ‘dark
voodoo’ on your health, but rather it is a
liberating act. It frees family from doubt
and ensures peace of mind. It shows
love. Most successful businesses have
a disaster recovery plan. It does not
mean it will bring disaster upon them.
However, when it comes to our mortal
life, we are in no doubt what is our fate.
Don’t leave things too late.
Here is a basic checklist:
Have a will. Let your family know
where it is (give them an updated copy)
Inside your will or in a safe/secure
place list your passwords for
computer‑s, phones and even social
media accounts.
Consider arranging funds available in
a joint savings account to cover at least
2-3 months living expenses as can take
time or be delays to receive the death
certificate and unlock assets and gain
access to accounts.
Prepare a list of your key financial
institutions, accounts and legal
providers – banks, super, insurance,
trusts, accountants, lawyer, trustees etc
Keep an updated phone/email list of
the people most important to you (ie.
Those you want at your funeral)
Write your life story or history.
Document your key life milestones
and timeline events. Curate a selection
your favourite photos, stories and
music too.
Consider a funeral plan and talk about
what is important to you.
Provide/share key documentation
such as a Will and Advance Care
Directive with next of kin.
Who is your next of kin? Who do you
want to be making key decisions for
you after death?
Discuss with your family your desires
for your care, funeral etc
These things are practical and they
make a huge difference. It doesn’t
diminish the grief your loved ones
will feel, but it won’t cause significant,
debilitating and traumatic amplification
of grief and stress.
When you deal with this business,
it frees you up to deal with the most
important things of all, being present,
grateful, intimate and real with the
business of relationships, family
connection and love
Much love, Sarah
Sarah Tolmie is an Independent Funeral Director and Consultant holistically supporting families at
End-of-Life - including guiding families through the conversations about plans and preparations,
providing relational and spiritual care, developing funeral plans and setting up pre-paid funeral
arrangements. Sarah is also a Life & Love coach and grief & bereavement specialist, assisting people to
celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. And as an holistic Celebrant,
Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. You can visit her website
www.sarahtolmie.com.au or Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie - Life & Love.
Will you have
to sell the house?
Understand the financial implications and opportunities
available when transitioning a loved one into Aged Care.
We can guide you through the financial steps. Ask today!
Sophie Doyle AR 000470612 Aged Care Specialist / Associate Adviser
02 4325 0884 | morgans.com.au/gosford/aged-care
Morgans Financial Limited ABN 49 010 669 726 AFSL 235410
A Participant of ASX Group A Professional Partner of the Financial Planning Association of Australia.
Never
underestimate
the
of a well-made decision
power
SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER – ISSUE 31
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