On the Coast – Families Issue 99 I April/May 2019 | Page 28

Is trust the
true purpose of
Parenting?
by Catherine Schasser
M
y pen and paper
beckoned as my
mind continued a familiar
route to a conversation
laced in curiosity and
built on fragility.
A recent conversation with a dedicated
and compassionate mother began
spontaneously, but her courage to be
open and vulnerable quickly offered
permission for this interaction to become
a moment of shared ideas, which hinted
at the true purpose of parenting.
Could I be so bold as to suggest this
mother and I may have touched on the
true purpose of parenting? What if I
offered an idea that while food, shelter,
clothing, love and experiences are duties
of parenting, they are not the purpose?
Would you be in agreement? As we
conversed, we became curious if our
purpose as parents may be less about our
children’s needs and more about our own
emotional capacity, development and
regulation?
Purpose when used as a noun refers to
the reason for which something exists, is
done or created. When applied as a verb,
purpose can be used to describe one’s
intention or objective.
These statements inspire me to
consider, is the true purpose of parenting
one of personal growth which urges
us to step out of our ‘human-thinking’
where we believe we know what is best
for our children, to a place of trust that
everything is exactly as it is meant to be.
Even the heartbreak.
The mother I was conversing with was
fragile. She was weeks into the height of
her daughter’s anxiety and had spent
years supporting a son with varying
needs. She was tired, worried and without
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KIDZ O N T H E C OA S T
are inevitably going to feel sadness,
a light to draw her forward. Tears were
hurt, sorrow, loss, desperation and a
imminent as she bravely continued.
million more emotions which will cause
Grateful for her trust and moved by her
us as their parent, just as much pain as
desperation, I searched for a response to
it does to them. More importantly, we
ease the pounding of her mind.
As is often the case for many mothers, agreed we will not be able to fix these
problems. We may not even know they
fear lay as the foundation of this
exist. These feelings are not limited to a
mother’s angst. Previously able to reign
certain age range of children, but rather,
in her moments of anxiety and concern,
will appear throughout their life. This
this episode was making it harder to
fact is not reassuring to a mother in a
prove otherwise. The desire to control
state of desperation, however is true
was becoming stronger and her lack of
none-the-less. If we fall into a state of
options appeared minimal. The ability
anxiety, despair, worry, fear or anger
to think broadly and with purpose was
each time our child experiences a painful
being over-ruled by fear’s silent, yet
episode, we one, will not be in a
relentless screaming. “What if
state to support them, and
something happens to me?
Logic was
two, will be modelling
How would my children
unproductive responses.
survive without me?”
not going to work.
I think I can speak on
Logic was not going
A mother’s love for
behalf of most mothers
to work. A mother’s
when I state they
love for a child will
a child will surely
want their children
surely outweigh the
outweigh the
to be resourceful,
most scientific of logic.
independent and
‘Not thinking about it’
most scientific
resilient. We had to find
wasn’t an option either.
of logic
a way to assist this mother
Her anxiety made sure of
so she may return to leading
that.
her family as the mother she
Seeing a counsellor? This was
definitely an option, but what about right desired to be.
In addition to being in a state of
now, in this moment, standing in front of
overwhelming worry, she remained
me, what would be my response?
committed. Just like you, this mother
This is when the unplanned and
remained committed to being the best
unpredictable nature of our conversation
she could be to her children, and in doing
suddenly lent itself to our deeper level of
so, bravely challenged herself to make
curiosity; trust.
meaning of this situation, to ensure she
We had acknowledged our children