On the Coast – Families Issue 99 I April/May 2019 | Page 28

Is trust the true purpose of Parenting? by Catherine Schasser M y pen and paper beckoned as my mind continued a familiar route to a conversation laced in curiosity and built on fragility. A recent conversation with a dedicated and compassionate mother began spontaneously, but her courage to be open and vulnerable quickly offered permission for this interaction to become a moment of shared ideas, which hinted at the true purpose of parenting. Could I be so bold as to suggest this mother and I may have touched on the true purpose of parenting? What if I offered an idea that while food, shelter, clothing, love and experiences are duties of parenting, they are not the purpose? Would you be in agreement? As we conversed, we became curious if our purpose as parents may be less about our children’s needs and more about our own emotional capacity, development and regulation? Purpose when used as a noun refers to the reason for which something exists, is done or created. When applied as a verb, purpose can be used to describe one’s intention or objective. These statements inspire me to consider, is the true purpose of parenting one of personal growth which urges us to step out of our ‘human-thinking’ where we believe we know what is best for our children, to a place of trust that everything is exactly as it is meant to be. Even the heartbreak. The mother I was conversing with was fragile. She was weeks into the height of her daughter’s anxiety and had spent years supporting a son with varying needs. She was tired, worried and without 28 KIDZ O N T H E C OA S T are inevitably going to feel sadness, a light to draw her forward. Tears were hurt, sorrow, loss, desperation and a imminent as she bravely continued. million more emotions which will cause Grateful for her trust and moved by her us as their parent, just as much pain as desperation, I searched for a response to it does to them. More importantly, we ease the pounding of her mind. As is often the case for many mothers, agreed we will not be able to fix these problems. We may not even know they fear lay as the foundation of this exist. These feelings are not limited to a mother’s angst. Previously able to reign certain age range of children, but rather, in her moments of anxiety and concern, will appear throughout their life. This this episode was making it harder to fact is not reassuring to a mother in a prove otherwise. The desire to control state of desperation, however is true was becoming stronger and her lack of none-the-less. If we fall into a state of options appeared minimal. The ability anxiety, despair, worry, fear or anger to think broadly and with purpose was each time our child experiences a painful being over-ruled by fear’s silent, yet episode, we one, will not be in a relentless screaming. “What if state to support them, and something happens to me? Logic was two, will be modelling How would my children unproductive responses. survive without me?” not going to work. I think I can speak on Logic was not going A mother’s love for behalf of most mothers to work. A mother’s when I state they love for a child will a child will surely want their children surely outweigh the outweigh the to be resourceful, most scientific of logic. independent and ‘Not thinking about it’ most scientific resilient. We had to find wasn’t an option either. of logic a way to assist this mother Her anxiety made sure of so she may return to leading that. her family as the mother she Seeing a counsellor? This was definitely an option, but what about right desired to be. In addition to being in a state of now, in this moment, standing in front of overwhelming worry, she remained me, what would be my response? committed. Just like you, this mother This is when the unplanned and remained committed to being the best unpredictable nature of our conversation she could be to her children, and in doing suddenly lent itself to our deeper level of so, bravely challenged herself to make curiosity; trust. meaning of this situation, to ensure she We had acknowledged our children