On the Coast – Families Issue 99 I April/May 2019 | Page 24

Attachment parenting
what is it?
by Nikki Smith
A
ttachment parenting tends
to be one of those terms that
parents either cringe at or they
show a strong interest in
learning more about. For myself
and my husband we kind of just
‘fell’ into an attachment
parenting kind of life. We had
always envisioned parenting to
be about creating a trusting
relationship with our children.
Developing a relationship built upon trust
starting with connection. For us it was
babywearing and as a new mama I
breastfed on demand for as long as our
baby wanted to. Attachment parenting is
intuitive. You are developing your
intuitive parenting muscle by listening to
what your new baby wants, thus of course
building connection whilst doing so!
What’s amazing is that our bodies
develop those incredible floods of natural
hormones that help create attachment
and connection at and post birth! These
hormones are designed to help both
parents to more easily attune to their
new baby by flexing their intuitive
parenting muscles, this is the beginning
of an attachment parenting relationship.
Attachment parenting as defined by
Wikipedia: “Is a parenting philosophy that
proposes methods which aim to promote
the attachment of mother and infant not
only by maximal maternal empathy and
responsiveness but also by continuous
bodily closeness and touch.” https://en.
wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting
I strongly believe that attachment
parenting is about partners too, I discuss
ways in which partners can bond and
connect with their new babies and
children in my workshops, it’s important
to be inclusive.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. stated
in her article on Psychology today, ‘The 4
Principles of Attachment Parenting and
Why They Work. A sensible guide to
make attachment parenting work for you.’
‘Attachment theory emphasizes the
nature of the relationship between
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KI DZ O N T H E C OA ST
children and their caregivers (usually
their parents). It has its roots in
observations made by psychiatrists in
World War II who noted the impaired
physical, psychological, and social
development of infants in hospitals and
orphanages who were separated from
their parents. After recognizing that
these children needed not just food but
physical contact, the caregivers noticed
vast improvements in their development.’
When we respond to our baby’s cries;
breastfeed on ‘demand’ for an extended
period; “wear” our babies in a carrier or a
sling; as well as use gentle ways to help
our baby off to sleep, these are all ways in
which we can approach an ‘attachment
parenting’ aspect to your parenting
journey.
To be clear, you do not need to
incorporate all of these approaches either,
it is about being open to your babies
needs and listening to what it is that they
want. A quick and relatable example for
you, our eldest daughter loved all of the
cuddles, so she loved to co-sleep, if we’d
have known ten years ago about baby
wearing though it honestly would have
saved my life and no doubt the day sleeps
would have been much more manageable!
Our middle daughter though, wasn’t a
super cuddly baby and she loved her
space when she slept (she still does!) so co-
sleeping as much as we loved it, wasn’t
going to work for her.
Our story as new parents started ten
years ago when we ‘accidently’ started
co-sleeping with our first baby due to her
oesophageal reflux and sleeping for only
2–3 hrs at a time both day and night, I
was bombed.
After trying numerous ways to get her
to sleep with timed intervals of crying
it out (as suggested by a local midwife),
car trips at 3am, long walks so she would
sleep in the pram, bassinette propped up
and then Tresillian (sleep training), all of
which I might add, shattered me in ways
I never thought could.
Not long later our new baby was
officially diagnosed with oesophageal
reflux and that for me, was THE worst
feeling of guilt that I could ever possibly
explain, my husband and I didn’t know
what crying it out was as new and young
parents, but we did find out in the most
heartbreaking way whilst they ‘trained’
our then undiagnosed baby to sleep.
It was then that we ‘tripped’ into
attachment parenting and safe co-sleeping
and life with our then 3-month-old baby
changed for the better. I finally felt like the
mother that I wanted to be, that I knew
felt intuitively right for me. It was that
kind of sleep deprivation and post-natal
depletion, the actual ‘breakdown’ that
brought me to my ‘breakthrough’ and to a
topic that is now very close to my heart,
safe co-sleeping, a subject at times opposed
in Western society. As quoted by Jan Hunt
author of -The natural child, parenting
from the heart, ‘We are moving toward an
artificial, mistrustful, and distant
approach, especially in the Western world.’
When a mother sleeps next to or
near her baby (I would suggest a side
cart bassinette that you can attach
to your bed), she is more able to use
her instinctive responses that a new
mother has to her baby’s first cry. This
also prevents the need for hard crying
that can be so stressful to the baby and
the entire family. Dr William Sears a
renowned American Paediatrician has
quoted, ‘often times I felt ridiculous
giving my seal of approval to what was in
reality such a natural thing to do, sort of
like reinventing the wheel and extolling
its viruses. Had parent’s intuition sunk
so low that some strange man had to tell
modern women that it was ok to sleep
with their babies?’
When babies sleep near their parents
we are creating a sense of trust and
security for them, acceptance and love.
Co-sleeping with your baby safely, for
example in a co-sleeper (you can buy
these online or as an attachment to your
own bed, we also used one in our bed and
had bought it at Big W) and minimising
the separation from your baby during the
first few months is an absolute lifesaver