On the Coast – Families Issue 96 I October/November 2019 | Page 17

are unavoidable and crucial to your
sanity. You may ask them to forego
friends’ birthday parties because of
scheduling conflicts.
They act as pack mules for all of the
travel paraphernalia with or without
their own special needs, associated with
going places with their sibling.
They endure embarrassing meltdowns
in the supermarket in front of friends
from school, or endure unwanted
remarks from people who are judging
their mother and little brother.
As they get older, parents rely on
them more for helping with chores like
laundry and cooking so the rest of the
family is not running around naked and
hungry while you are tending to the
ongoing demands on your child with
A.S.D. (Autism Spectrum disorder).
Add to that the fact that your child
with special needs by default gets
the majority of your actual attention,
whether or not you mean for him/her
to and no matter how hard you try to
spread the love. It just happens. And it’s
not the child’s fault, not your fault, it’s
not anyone’s fault.
It’s been likened to working a full-
time job and moonlighting overnight
part-time to be able to parent kids on the
autism spectrum.
In some cases, children with special
needs are only children, but that’s not
the majority. There are often other
siblings, and they desire and deserve just
as much attention from the parent.
However, you, as a parent, are just one
person, even if you have a partner you tag
team with! It’s exhausting and impossible
to think of spreading yourself any thinner.
Then the guilt of that reality settles in
(because more guilt is what you special
needs parents don’t have
enough of already!).
So what is the
answer to ensuring
each of your children
gets enough time
with one or other
of their parents,
without any other
sibling, special needs or
not, being there?
while they are out, either
before or after their
dates.
They don’t talk
about their other
siblings when they
on dates with one of
them. It’s all about
them.
It is best to talk
about how they are, how
school is, what’s up with
their friends, what their future
goals, plans, and dreams are, who they
have crushes on—whatever!
The kids each look forward to their
date night and so do their parents. It’s
precious fellowship time with your
babies, who will be grown and out living
their own lives before you know it. Time
may be free, but when it is spent with
the ones you love most, it’s priceless.
And that’s why date nights are so very
important. If you have more than one
child on the spectrum these one to one
nights are just as important.
Be intentional. Set the day and time.
Let only true emergencies warrant
having to reschedule them. Look them
in the eyes when you are speaking with
them and let them know that they are
just as important to you as their special
needs siblings are.
Don’t take for granted that they
already know this. Actions speak louder
than words.
Special needs
parenting involves
being caretakers on
levels parents of
neurotypical children
will never be able to
fully grasp.
Here is an idea that one of
my clients does.
Monday nights are date nights at their
house. Every Monday night, mum or dad
takes one of their other three kids out on
a date. The child gets to choose (within
reason) where they go.
Their daughter likes to go to Erina
shops for a snack and to walk around.
Their son likes to go to the movies.
Their oldest son appreciates just sitting
and watching a local soccer game or
grabbing a bite to eat.
Sometimes they would take them for
ice cream and bring a board game or
deck of cards to play with them while
enjoying the frozen treat…just them,
one-on-one.
There are strict rules around these
dates. There are no interruptions on
date nights. They don’t answer non-
emergency phone calls, check texts, or
play Words with Friends.
There is a ban on running errands
Laura Kiln has moved to the Central Coast from the UK where she worked in London at the Institute of
Psychiatry and the National Specialist Centre for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. She has over 20
years experience of working with families and is internationally recognised as an expert in the field of
Parenting. She has four children herself and is used to the dramas of family life. Her practice ‘Laura’s
Place’, is open for self or GP referral. Tel: [phone] www.laurasplace.com.au. Laura has appeared
on Channel 9 TODAY show as a parenting expert.
Teaching Kids Life Skills
Building confidence, self esteem
and resilience. Learning how to
deal with failure, change and fear.
Ph: 0412 023 233
94 Buff Point Ave, Buff Point NSW 2262
www.lilwisewonders.com.au
OCTOBER/NOVEMBER – ISSUE 96
17