On the Coast – Families Issue 93 | April / May 2018 | Page 16

Modelling love
and relationship
by Sarah Tolmie
R
ecently my husband
and I renewed our
wedding vows and shared a
joyful celebration with
family and friends…and our
sons. Poor son number 1 and
son number 2. It was so
embarrassing.
We have the classic photo to prove
it. An awkward family shot of
mum and dad kissing with our
sons looking on, mortified. I love
it. It is very funny and sweet and
tells a story.
That photo however is just a
brief momentary capture of the
day and perhaps says more about
their uncomfortableness at being
photographed, rather than any
deep and lasting embarrassment.
We really do know the boys are
proud of us and are happy for us. They
have been witness and beneficiaries of
our healthy partnership that has
modeled for them respect, equality,
teamwork and love.
One of the things that my husband
and I figured out along the way was to
keep special some time alone, distinct
from family time all together. We kept
our husband and wife identity as well as
our mum and dad identity too. Our boys,
for better or for worse, weren’t always
put first.
An important teaching I offer my
couples when preparing for marriage
or when working through relationship
challenges is to understand a marriage
creates a sacred boundary around a
couple of exclusivity and priority. Being
in intimate relationship with another
requires knowing when to put your
partner as priority and when to place
their needs and desires first. This doesn’t
change when you have children.
Of course with our children, there is
an overriding duty and desire to ensure
their needs, safety and wellbeing is
ensured first, and given that is in place,
it is then also possible and permissible
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KI DZ O N T H E C OA S T
to know when to put yourselves first.
It is important to protect, nurture and
celebrate the sanctity of your primary
and central relationship.
This can be date nights. It could be
early to bed routines for quiet time for
mum and dad alone at the end of the day.
It is cultivating a culture of affection,
positive affirmation, admiration and
appreciation of your partner for your
children to witness.
At our vow renewal my husband
and I affirmed our love and our primary
commitment to each other – as friends,
lovers, parents and life partners.
Our boys heard the story of our
romance and love before they even
existed. Our love came first
before they came along. They
heard our many reasons for
loving each other and our desire
to commit to each other long
after they move on and embark
on their own life – and love –
adventures.
I think it is important for
children to see their parents life
and love outside of ‘parenting’
and from a different perspective,
with them not as the central role
in their lives.
It is also good for kids to see
parents not only have a ‘love
relationship’, but that we exist and
participate in many other
important relationships beyond
being a mum and a dad. We have
‘professional identities’ and lives
that have importance and significance
outside the home, be that active in
community, enjoying separate
friendships and pursuing activities and
passions.
When our children see us as whole
people, participating in full and complex
relationships and living a full life, not
always completely oriented around
their schedules, sport, activities and
needs, it serves them well for
developing their own important
relationships. In fact, it models a
pathway to support their own self
expression, giving them permission to
to be themselves and learn how to
prioritize and organize what is
important to them.
Preparing our kids for life and love
doesn’t require you to press pause on
your own life and love, in fact, it asks
of us to wholly embrace it all and show
them how full it can be.
Sarah Tolmie is a Life & Love celebrant, coach, pastoral carer and consultant assisting people to
celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. Her practice focuses on love &
relationships; families & children; life success & fulfilment; illness, death & grief. As an holistic Celebrant
Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. Sarah is also a Laughter
Yoga Practitioner. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and receive her Daily Love updates
on her Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love