in a neonatal care unit due to medical reasons. For a baby, this can be very distressing and depending on the medical condition and length of time in special care can result in attachment difficulties.
During pregnancy the umbilical cord is a tube-like structure that connects a foetus to the mother’ s placenta, providing oxygen and nutrient-rich blood and removing waste. The moment the umbilical cord ceases, the physical cord needs to be replaced by a psychological cord. This happens when a mother responds to her baby’ s cry and distress with touch, food, nurturance, and soothing in her loving arms. A child learns that Hey, people respond to me when I cry, I get fed when I am hungry, my mother picks me up when I feel lonely. This world is a SAFE PLACE to live in. However, when this does not happen in those early days, a baby may internalise a sense of this world is not a safe place even though their parents’ strongest desire is to be close to their baby and meet his / her needs. Without the help to calm down their big and scary feelings in those early days, these babies will find it confusing when help eventually arrives and their needs are being met in the arms of loving parents. These experiences can impact on the child’ s later development even though they don’ t have any memory of the event. A child in this situation could struggle with separation and in trusting their parent will come back to them. Such a child may worry about a parent not picking them up from school or dance class even if this has never happened before.
Other examples of unintentional circumstances impacting on attachment are the unexpected hospitalisation of the parent or child, a parent going through a traumatic experience or a parent experiencing mental health issues.
The good news is that repair and healing are always possible regardless of the age of the child or the severity of the break in their relationship.
I recently saw * Susan and her daughter * Lilly( 4). Susan was worried about her daughter’ s change in behaviour. Lilly was not able to listen to any of her mother’ s instructions and was hitting her. Susan had lost both of her parents in a car accident two years earlier and went through a period of depression. Susan and her daughter Lilly were very close when Lilly was a baby and Susan had beautiful memories of meeting Lilly’ s needs and spending a lot of floor time with her. But things had changed. During the past two years Susan found it difficult to be emotionally available to her daughter. She was physically caring for Lily, but on an emotional level she was“ gone”. She did not have the energy to play with her daughter or meet her emotional needs for play, comfort and delight. This impacted very much on their attachment relationship.
Susan was supported to make a few changes in her parenting. She validated Lilly’ s feelings and dealt with her aggressive behaviour in a way that supported their relationship.
Attachment based therapy with Susan and Lilly focused on playful, fun, trusting
The good news is that repair and healing are always possible regardless of the age of the child or the severity of the break in their relationship.
and nurturing activities through sensory and interactive play. Attachment based therapy is very helpful in the healing and repairing of ruptured attachments. Susan was also guided into interactions where she was able to rock Lilly, feed her, nurture her and meet her earlier unmet developmental needs. The attachment between Lily and her mother was strengthened and Lilly’ s behaviour improved.
If you identify with any of the above, I would encourage you as a parent to focus on connection with your child. Play is a very powerful aspect in the development of attachment. Enter into your child’ s world. Sit with them,“ be with” them. Your undivided attention will heal and calm them. Your child may test this new relationship for a while. They may even regress to earlier developmental stages, but be consistent and never hesitate to ask for support or help. Many parents and children have been able to heal ruptured relationships with the guidance of trained professionals in attachmentbased play therapy.
* Not their real names
Lindie has a Master’ s degree in Social Work. She is a trained Attachment therapist and Play therapist. Lindie specialises in working with children who have experienced trauma and attachment difficulties. Contact Lindie on 0424 882 013, or visit her Facebook page Lindie( Nell Child Therapist Central Coast).
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