On the Coast – Families Issue 102 I October/November 2019 | Page 15

only a normal and healthy thing for the child, but it can offer essential soothing and grounding for all the family. What becomes very important is the modelling from family. In my work as a death educator and end-of- life consultant I know that the more preparation, support and guidance a family can bring to a loved ones’ dying and death journey, the greater their capacity to meet that profound passage with authentic presence, calm, comfort and develop a language that can be shared across the family. You are providing an emotional foundation for them to begin to register this key experience as it is relayed to them as they grow through language, stories and images. When talking about death with children the advice is to use real and simple language. Using the word death is encouraged rather than using euphemisms like ‘gone to sleep’ or even ‘passed away’. Death can be explained simply as “their body is no longer alive and they will not be here as part of our family anymore in a way they used to be”. Be patient and explain as best as you can what is occurring and reassure them that despite the sadness and tears, this is a normal part of life and we are all okay within it. If they are part of the tears, allow them to be part of the release after the tears and the closeness and intimacy that follow. Even the laughter, the memories and any ceremony you may hold will give them the whole emotional experience that will result in a renewed sense of security. I know from my time as a hospital chaplain it is natural and normal for children to be encouraged to visit loved ones in hospital or nursing homes. Children can often become intensely curious about death and what happens to the body. They may ask for details that you may find uncomfortable to explain. These are questions you are best to answer in a straightforward, gentle and careful manner. They may want to see the body of the person who has died and continue to need to speak about the actual event or details of the death for some time after. Many children, including my own, have even been to viewings. I have directed a home based funeral where a mother had died and her young daughters tended to their mother after death, braiding her hair, painting her nails and picking out clothes for her to wear and putting flowers all around her. They read her poems and played music. They had the time to be in her presence and understand her body had stopped living and were gently paced towards her final departure from the home. You will know your child best and maybe they might just be your ‘teachers’ when the experience of a death finds your family. They might be the ‘brave’ modelling you need to move through any resistance and fears you may have to face such a huge family event together with greater presence and more capacity than you ever thought possible. Whatever the age of your child, when they experience a significant death in their lives, make a place in your home where photos of the person who has died are visible, or encourage them to write their thoughts in a journal or book that family members can join in too. These are some ways you can build the relationship to death as a part of life. After death, beyond the shock and grief, the amazing thing is that life really does go on. We can remain in sacred relationship with our loved ones after death and resume into life gently with all the learning, living, loving and laughing that family life brings. Sarah Tolmie assists people to celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. Her practice focuses on love & relationships, families & children; life success & fulfilment, illness, death & grief. As an Holistic Celebrant Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. Sarah is also a Marriage Therapist, Bespoke Funeral Director and End-of-Life Consultant. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love. 30 Renwick Street, Wyoming Phone: [phone] Vasectomies are a permanent and very effective way to stop unwanted pregnancies. They are performed under local anaesthetic and have a quick recovery time. IS YOUR FAMILY COMPLETE? Have you thought of your options? Have you considered a vasectomy? When talking about death with children, the advice is to use real and simple language. Using the word death is encouraged rather than using euphemisms like ‘gone to sleep’ or even ‘passed away’ For more information regarding the procedure, fees or any other issues of concern please visit our website or contact our friendly staff. www.cornerfamilysurgery.com.au The Fun way to become bilingual!  French  Spanish  Mandarin  German for 2-12 year olds • fun before & after-school programs • lots of fun activities, drama, music & games • experienced and enthusiastic teachers • supported by fantastic fun activities online at Babelzone – visit our website for a FREE TRIAL Contact us to start a language program at your kid’s childcare, or a before or after school class at your child’s primary school. 0430 286 590 [email protected] www.lcfclubs.com.au OCTOBER/NOVEMBER – ISSUE 102 15