On the Coast – Families Issue 102 I October/November 2019 | Page 14

Supporting
children when
a loved
one dies
BY SARAH TOLMIE
F
or more than a decade I have been
working with death, grief and
end-of-life and the last couple of
years my practice has grown and evolved
and I am now a fully operational funeral
director, as well as being an end-of-life
consultant and holistic celebrant.
I spend a lot of time with families at
the very worst time of their lives. Death
can be an experience where we are
exposed to the hardest of emotions. We
can feel shock, trauma and distress. We
can feel anger, sadness, confusion and
great grief.
One of the most challenging and
sensitive areas that almost all families will
encounter when a death of a loved one
occurs is how to tell a child and how to
involve and include children in the
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O N T H E C OA S T – FAM ILIES
unfolding response and rituals. Grief is a
real and complex emotion that children
experience at times of loss and change.
The death of a grandparent, parent, sibling
or friend is a life changing experience for
everyone, especially children.
Sometimes the first instinct for
families is to shield a child from what
has happened and perhaps even exclude
them from last visits and the funeral,
thinking it might be too emotional.
Please don’t act on this first instinct. In
almost all circumstances this is NOT
necessary. Death is a natural part of
life’s continuum and an essential part
of a child’s learning about life, about
emotions and about their family.
When a death occurs, lean in
bravely and share it with your child.
For any child and any age, there IS a
way to make death safe, supported and
understandable. Depending on the age
of the child – and the context of the
death and who has died – there may just
be differences in language and the degree
of disclosure and exposure to the dying
process and after death activities.
The exception to this, of course, is if a
family is in unhealthy anger, turmoil and
trauma and there is a lot of disharmony.
Under those circumstances it may
warrant greater distance and boundaries
to protect children from any toxic
behaviours.
However, in my experience, for most
families, the presence of children during
and after death, and at the essential
rituals of farewell and celebration, is not