On the Coast – Families Issue 101 I August/September 2019 | Page 8

Mindfully parenting
the older
toddler
BY NIKKI SMITH
C
hildren are like sponges. What
you say, how you react, your
body language and the way that
you talk to your children are watched,
noticed and certainly mimicked.
Your older toddler thrives on positive
praise, for example if your child is
playing well with their sibling, if they are
colouring in quietly or are playing toys
and you have given them positive praise
such as ‘I love how you’re sharing so well
with your sister,’ then they will continue
with that behaviour because they are
receiving positive attention from you,
their parent.
If though, for example you only pay
them attention when they are fighting
with their brother or when they are
whining then this type of behaviour will
continue due to your focus only being on
them whilst they are exerting negative
behaviour.
As parents if we can continue to
reinforce their positive behaviour by
perhaps including ourselves in their
game while they are playing or by giving
them positive praise when they are being
kind and sharing, then they will feel
that their ‘attention cup’ is full and will
continue with their positive behaviour.
Another way that you can fill up their
‘attention cup,’ is by connecting with
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O N T H E C OA S T – FA MILIES
them throughout the day with play,
colouring in, playdough and outdoor
play.
I tend to use the quota of 20/15 (20
minutes for me, 15 minutes for them).
I will also speak to them before hand
and say something like; “Mummy needs
to clean, work or have a little time to read
her book so when the alarm goes off on
mummy’s phone that means it’s play
time for us!!
Just by being present throughout
the day everybody’s moods can lift and
‘attention cups’ are always filling up.
Power struggles with
your older toddler
This next developmental phase can be
tough. This stage tends to develop from
ages 3 to 4 years and onwards. You can
see this within the independence that
starts to be displayed which tends to
create the need for more self-control and
autonomy.
The reason being is that the world
that they are living in can be largely
dictated by the adults in their life, most
of the decisions are then based upon
what the adult wants!
If they have little to no control over
their autonomy, then they will start to
push back!
Yes, punishment seems to look like it’s
working but this will always be for short
term gain because there is ‘blame and
shame’ involved in these feelings which
then inevitably lead to them becoming
scared of you and how you’ll react to
their behaviour.
There is no learning happening for
them, in fact long term it teaches them to
lie to you because it’s how they’ll get out
of the blame and shame pattern.
Discipline in Latin means to teach, so
do that when you are gently drawing
boundaries, there is a huge difference
between ‘punishing’ and ‘teaching.’
As a mama of three young daughters, I
am constantly catching myself when my
tone of voice is dripping in frustration.
I will usually stop what I am saying, or
what I’m doing, take a deep breath in and
then out, and begin again.
Let’s look at a few examples
of ‘teaching.’
CHOICES
Give your older toddler choices, for
example, ‘I will read to you after you
brush your teeth.’ ‘I will only drive the car
if your seatbelt is buckled up.’ Let them
help if that’s what they’d like. Letting
them put the belt over their shoulder and
maybe help you to click it in.